3 Best Tips For Your Marriage After Birth Trauma

This week I want to share marriage after birth trauma and what it is like. A little over two years ago I experienced a traumatic birth of my daughter because I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and needed to give birth via emergency c-section.

A common misconception with birth trauma, I think, is that only mom can experience it. That is untrue. Dad experiences it all as well, just in a different way. Dad watches helplessly as his partner is rushed into the OR and his newborn baby struggles to live. He has to put faith in doctors and nurses he has never met before to save the lives of the two people most important to him.

I don’t want to speak for my husband (Steven) on his side too much because he talks about it so eloquently over on our podcast, so be sure to give those a listen. He has his own perspectives on marriage after birth trauma, the short version is, everything didn’t hit him until months later.

Our marriage after birth trauma was a struggle. Not in a way where we wanted to separate. It was in a way of trying to navigate our new roles as parents after experiencing a traumatic event. We both coped with the trauma differently. I cried a lot. I tried to reach out for help from safe individuals in my life. My body expressed the trauma through outwards expressions such as panic attacks and depressive episodes. My husband, opposite of my outward expressions, kept it inside. He didn’t have anyone he could open up to besides me, who was struggling just as much. He had to be the “strong man” who doesn’t feel feelings.

Marriage after birth trauma is tricky. There are so many feelings involved that you don’t quite understand. It is tough to navigate feeling so grateful and happy for your child in your life, but also so depressed over how it happened. We both just wished things were different. We wished that we didn’t have to experience what a NICU stay was like. Steven wished his family and friends checked up on him, instead of pretending nothing happened. I wished that everything that happened, didn’t happen.

It’s normal after a new baby to have your marriage take the back seat for a bit. You are both learning what it means to be mom and dad, not just husband and wife. You are also figuring out new routines and schedules. It is normal to feel a bit distant because your new focus, for the time being, is your baby, not your spouse.

Even though it is normal for marriage after birth trauma to struggle, it is important to put in effort and time to make it strong again. This can require several different approaches. The following are some approaches we did to help our marriage after birth trauma.

Approaches to Help Marriage After Birth Trauma

1.Therapy

Therapy can be a great benefit to couples in a marriage after birth trauma. Mom and dad experienced different things during birth. Mom was the one who experienced trauma through medical interventions, but dad watched it all happen. Those are both traumatic. Steven and I both attended therapy separately as well as together. The combination of both of these strengthened our marriages as well as helped heal the trauma we experienced.

We were able to learn tools to cope with the trauma we experienced as well as learn how to communicate that effectively. Since we are two different people, the trauma was different for both of us. Although we had certain experiences that were similar, we still had many other things that were traumatic for ourselves but not for the other spouse.

2. Boundaries

We created boundaries with everything you can think of. Including relationships with people in our lives, sex, sleep, TV time, etc. Boundaries are something that can bring you joy and peace they definitely have a place in marriage after birth trauma.

An example of this with relationships is we sat down and took an inventory of all the relationships we had in our lives. We talked about how the way certain people treat us and how the relationship made us feel. We also talked about the relationships that felt one-sided to us and decided to stop putting effort into those relationships. That boundary has been very effective in our lives because we learned about those who genuinely care and learned to stop stressing about those who didn’t care about us.

An example of TV time is we set aside time to watch TV together with a show or movie we both would enjoy. Watching TV is something we enjoy doing together by snuggling in bed and winding down after a long day. We have a TV show that we only watch when we are together and we can’t watch it without the other person.

3. Date Night

We made date night a priority. Our marriage after birth trauma was in survival mode for a long time. We had a hard time coping and we put our marriage on the back burner while we learned how to cope. Once we started making date night a priority, we began to become husband and wife again and stepped out of our mom and dad roles for a night. We were able to reconnect and take time to talk about what happened and how we are doing.

Date Night isn’t a magic fix though, and in some relationships that might not work. Take this piece of advice with a grain of salt and do what is best in your relationship. For us, we set aside Friday Night always as Date Night (depending on schedules it can switch to Saturday Night) and we take turns on who plans that date. More often than not, it is a date night at home after our daughter goes to sleep. Sometimes we make a nicer dinner and dessert, play video games together or rent a movie.

Marriage after birth trauma doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage. There are many resources out there that can help you heal. And there isn’t a one-size-fits-all when it comes to your individual marriages. What I shared in this post are just a few things that helped my own marriage after birth trauma to heal. Even though it has been 2 years since we experienced birth trauma, we are far from healed from it. There are still moments that are triggering and bring us down to our knees crying hysterically. But since we have each other, we can get through it.

In conclusion, marriage after birth trauma is unpredictable. These 3 tips can help you as they have helped me. I don’t want it to hurt, but life goes on.

One day maybe it won’t hurt as bad.

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If you are a preeclampsia survivor or HELLP syndrome survivor and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. I would love to share your birth story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors’ birth stories as possible to spread awareness.

If you are a preemie mom, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.

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Did you know I co-host the Knock on Parenthood Podcast?

I host the Knock on Parenthood podcast with my husband, Steven. We chat about all things parenthood and have multiple guests who are changing the way we parent today. Be sure to tune in anywhere you listen to podcasts!