Something inside of me aches every time I see someone I know post a picture of their full-term baby. I am really truly happy for them, but at the same time, I wish that happened to me. The next hour is spent wallowing even though I have a perfectly healthy baby girl asleep in her crib. But why not me? Why should I feel that I should get the experience that someone else gets with pregnancy?
It is hard to navigate these feelings. I really shouldn’t wish to switch places, because I would feel guilty that they got a preeclampsia experience. I point fingers and complain about how unfair the world is. “Why does so-and-so get to have an easy pregnancy and I didn’t? Why me?”
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The world is unfair, and that really sucks, but that is how it works.
It’s been over a year since I brought my baby home from the NICU, but some days (like today) it hits me just as hard as it did the moment I first saw her hooked up to all the wires. It is like someone is squeezing your heart as hard as they can and at the same time you are trying to pull their hand away from it. It is something you can’t understand unless you’ve been there. Why not me, why should I not have this preeclampsia experience?
I can tell you everything I felt and show you pictures of what it was like. But you really cannot fully understand unless you’ve gone through a preeclampsia experience yourself.
And that is what makes the emotional recovery so hard.
Very few people can relate to my preeclampsia experience.
I have a hard time attending baby showers now. I am genuinely happy for my friends and so excited for them, but I get jealous. Wishing that things were different.
I wish that I was overjoyed to be pregnant at my baby shower and beaming from ear to ear. But, I barely made it to them. I was in the hospital for a check-up and testing just hoping they would discharge me. And during my shower, all I could do was sit there, because I was on a strict order of bed rest. I was so grateful for the shower and what my friends and family did for me, I really was. I was helped out so much because word got out that Cora would be born early and small so we were given preemie diapers and clothes.
But, it wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
The night before Cora was born, I was emotional. I knew things weren’t good and I knew that I probably wasn’t going to make it to my induction date at 37 weeks. I felt awful. My body ached, I was swollen like a whale, I was taking so many medications to keep me alive every few hours and just overall miserable.
Steven started a bath for me and helped me get in to try and get me to feel better. All I could do was cry. I texted my mom telling her how miserable I was and I just want the baby to get out of me and get my body back. I wanted to be healthy again. Taking medications constantly and needing help to walk, shower and pee were things I didn’t want anymore. My mom kept encouraging me telling me that the longer she is in me, the better off she would be.
She was right, but I didn’t want to deal with 2 more weeks of hell.
I prayed to God in the bathtub silently. This is something I never told anyone but my husband and therapist, but I prayed that I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore because I was so miserable and sick.
The next day, she was born.
And I felt so guilty.
I mean, what kind of mom prays for her baby to be born early? How selfish is that?
That particular instance was the main source that was feeding into my postpartum depression and anxiety. And it has taken me a very long time to overcome that. And to say that I have fully would be a lie.
A friend of mine was overdue with her first baby. Her due date came and went and she was upset and would talk to me about it. I could understand why, but all I could think about how lucky she was that her baby didn’t come out early. How blessed she was that she made it to full term. I really tried to be a good friend, but I couldn’t stop wanting to say to her “Well, at least you made it full term. At least you know your baby is fully developed”.
Anytime I see a pregnant woman on social media post about how much she wanted her baby out before 40 weeks All I think is, “I would KILL to be in your shoes. I WISH my baby made it a full 40 weeks. I wish my body didn’t hate being pregnant”.
The biggest roadblock for emotional recovery from my preeclampsia experience, the NICU stay, and being a mom to a preemie has been camping out in the past. The past cannot be changed, the only option we have is to move forward. And I am trying my best every day to honor my past preeclampsia experiences and my emotions, but keep myself in the present.
I still ask, “Why me?” often. I think it is normal to question that in our lives when something traumatic happens.
But “Why not me?”
I am strong. My baby is strong. I have been given the blessing of having this space to share with the world my experiences, so why not me. I can be a voice that can help other women who are like me and let them know they aren’t alone.
The hospital in the area I was in had great hospital staff, great doctors and I had family near that cared about me and were able to help. Not every woman who has a preeclampsia experience has a preemie has that. I had access to great health insurance so the $1 million dollar bills didn’t send us into financial distress.
I was able to get help with my emotional healing through a great therapist as well as a husband who really helped me through it. There is so much stigma when it comes to therapy, but there shouldn’t be. Therapy saved my life. Therapy saved my husband’s life. Without it I can say truthfully, I will not be here writing out this blog post. Through the encouragement of therapy and my husband I walked out of my comfort zone and started this blog. I do not want another woman to have a preeclampsia experience and feel the emptiness and loneliness I felt and this is a way that I can achieve that.
So why not me, every woman can feel sadness, loss, and feel everything is unfair. This is my lot in life. The luck of the draw wasn’t in my favor, but I can now appreciate my preeclampsia experience for what I learned. I am stronger now and will continue to grow. I hope you never have to go through what I did with my preeclampsia experience, but if you do please appreciate what you do have. If your baby is or was in the NICU they are in good hands and my heart goes out to you.
Why not me?
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I would like to believe that everyone has their why me moment, and I am not alone. Journaling about those moments has helped me, and I encourage you to use a journal for yourself. Click on the image below to buy or browse these or similar notebooks.
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If you are a preeclampsia survivor or HELLP syndrome survivor and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. I would love to share your birth story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors birth stories as possible to spread awareness.
If you are a preemie mom, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.
I fell very sad reading what you and baby has been through. Indeed, your story will give hope to many parents out their who are in the same situation right now. I am really glade that you took thing as they were. Because some situations are mean to make you stronger.