This week I am excited to share with you Carolina’s story. Carolina is my sister-in-law and someone I look up to. She lost her son, Conrad, a few years ago at 22 weeks. Since October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, I asked her if she would be willing to share her story.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about loss and a few months ago shared my story with chemical pregnancies. Be sure to subscribe to my email list to stay up to date on my latest posts. As well as following me on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest.
Table of Contents
About Me
Hi, my name is Carolina! I am 27 years old. I have been married to my husband, Daniel for a little over four years. We have two little boys. Jude recently turned one, and he is a force to be reckoned with. Conrad is Jude’s older brother and he would have turned two this year.
Pregnancy
Other than nausea beyond the first trimester, my pregnancy was a breeze. The doctor’s appointments were short and filled with joyful anticipation. I was in my second to last semester of my undergrad when I found out I was pregnant. The timing worked out so I would graduate in April and a month later I would have a baby. Daniel and I decided early on not to tell a lot of people about my pregnancy until we found out what we were having. In December we found out we were having a boy and we announced it beyond just our families and close friends on Christmas. Everything seemed perfect.
Birth
On the first Thursday of my last semester of school, I started to have a strange discharge. I wasn’t cramping and I didn’t have any pain so at first, I was just a little confused. During my last class that day my discharge included bright red blood. At the time Daniel was at work. I texted him to figure out if it was something to worry about. I wasn’t in pain or bleeding a lot so, we decided to wait until morning to call the doctor’s office.
When I called the office the next morning I was connected with a nurse. After I explained the situation she asked some follow-up questions about cramping, sharp abdominal pain, or large amounts of blood. I wasn’t experiencing any of those things do I was told that I was okay.
All I needed to do was monitor my situation. If I had any cramping, sharp pains, or change in the amount of blood I should go to the office. After the call, I continued my day as normally as I could.
Later that night Daniel and I went out to eat with our neighbors and then we went to Target to get some maternity clothes since I was finally starting to show. At Target, I started experiencing some cramping and more discharge. I started to worry. Instead of maternity clothes, I left with some pads. On our way home, we tried calling the on-call Doctor, but no one answered. We went home that night since I stopped cramping but we decided to go to the hospital the next morning.
The next morning I wasn’t fully convinced we needed to go to the hospital. I don’t like making a big fuss. So far everyone we spoke to didn’t make a big deal out of what was happening so I thought we were being silly. Even now, almost three years later I feel so guilty that I didn’t do something sooner. To some degree, I still feel at fault for the infant loss.
While being checked in the hospital by our nurse, her face went from neutral to concern quickly.
She got in a second nurse quickly to confirm what she felt. At 21 weeks and 5 days, my cervix started dilating and the amniotic sac was falling through. Daniel and I were told that we would lose our son that day. And in one sentence our world crashed around us.
My water didn’t actually break until a day or two later. It resealed (which is something I learned can happen). In total, I was able to keep our son inside me for a week after we entered the hospital.
Conrad was born at 22 weeks 5 days, just barely outside the window of viability.
He weighed a little over 15 ounces, just a few ounces smaller than the size needed to try to intubate him. Conrad was born with his heart beating, but unable to breathe. He was perfect, but my body was unable to keep him longer.
During my hospital stay, I was told I most likely have an incompetent cervix or cervical insufficiency. Basically, the cervix starts to dilate on its own without cramping. Cervical insufficiency is hard to catch unless you know to look for it. In fact, cervical insufficiency is usually diagnosed after a second-trimester infant loss. Incompetent cervix happens in about 1 out of 100 pregnancies, so it isn’t super well known.
Moving Forward
Infant loss can be an invisible burden. I was a mother for almost 2 years before Jude was born, but because I didn’t visibly have a child people would assume we didn’t have kids. Then, if anyone ever said something I would have an awkward dance of dialog inside my head. “Do I tell them my whole life story? Do I just ignore what they said?” Daniel was so much better at this especially early on, he would always acknowledge Conrad no matter how uncomfortable it made the other person.
When I got pregnant with Jude I was able to get a cerclage, a stitch around my cervix, to keep them from opening and I took weekly progesterone shots from 16-36 weeks. I never felt like I was in a “safe-zone” with Jude and I felt like any moment could end it all. I am so grateful I was able to carry our rainbow successfully. But I wish more people understood that having a baby after infant loss doesn’t fix things. I will always grieve Conrad and what we are missing without him here.
Advice
What have you done personally to heal from losing Conrad?
Initially, after our infant loss, I went to therapy. It was helpful to a certain point. But what really helped me was talking to other women who had gone through similar experiences. It helped me feel less alone in my own grief journey.
What was your biggest support (religion, family, friends, etc)?
My family was a big support, especially Daniel after our infant loss. There is also an organization called, Share Parents of Utah. They came to the hospital the same night Conrad passed away. Someone took pictures for us as well as molds of his hands and feet and it’s something that we treasure. A few months after our infant loss, I was also able to help start a support group for women in my local congregation. The group was for any women who had experienced infant loss as well as infertility. Again, it was helpful to know that I wasn’t alone in my feelings.
What do you wish people knew about infant loss?
I wish people understood that the pain of infant loss doesn’t magically go away, even after having a baby afterward. I remember I spoke to a woman at work who was probably in her 70’s and she could still tell me how old her twins would have been. We will always remember the babies we have lost, and there will be times when that grief resurfaces and it’s okay.
I wish people understood how hard holidays and anniversaries can be. Mother’s Day is my least favorite holiday and extremely triggering for me. On that day, along with the “normal” celebrating I wish more people would take time to acknowledge that Conrad is my baby, too.
What advice would you give someone who has just lost their baby at 22 weeks?
Give yourself time to grieve the infant loss. There is not a “right” way to grieve. If you don’t feel comfortable doing what has worked for other people, find something else that works better. If you need to skip social events or block other pregnant people on social media, do it. Don’t feel bad about it, you can always unblock it later. Also, look for a Share Parents organization or another group near you, they are all over the country.
How do you remember Conrad?
We have molds of his hands and feet and a picture of him in our living room. Those are something that I will always treasure. Each year on his birthday we take time to celebrate him. We bake a cake, light a candle, and sing the happy birthday song. On major holidays like Christmas and Easter, we make sure to include him in some way. One of the easiest ways of remembering him is talking about him when introducing our family.
What can family/friends do to support someone who went through an infant loss?
I think this really depends on the person. I was really grateful to those that brought us dinner. There were also a few people who brought us care packages and sent us flowers. We had a lot of support in the first few weeks after our infant loss, but it seemed like soon after we buried him that support slowed down significantly. I think checking in with those who have experienced infant loss is so important even months after. It was in the months that followed that I felt the loneliest.
I also recommend reaching out to those families on significant days, like the due date, the first birthday, the first Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. Not a lot of people remembered or acknowledged that we had a son, and I wish more did. Even today, when someone remembers and acknowledges Conrad I feel so grateful to them.
What was not helpful?
I remember shortly after our infant loss someone told me, “at least you can get pregnant”. That was one of the worst comments. I know the person didn’t mean to be hurtful. But I feel like it totally dismissed what I had experienced. After an infant loss is not the time to offer advice, especially if you haven’t experienced it yourself.
Once I returned to work, someone who hadn’t known I was pregnant came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. I had to tell them I wasn’t anymore and they continued to ask how far along I was at the time of my infant loss. I had to go to the bathroom to cry. Someone else’s infant loss is not the time to satisfy your curiosity.
Some people have been confused or made uncomfortable with our picture of Conrad in the living room. Someone even asked what the picture was.
I get to choose how to remember my son, if that makes you uncomfortable it’s not my problem.
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If you are a preeclampsia survivor or HELLP syndrome survivor and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. I would love to share your birth story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors’ birth stories as possible to spread awareness.
If you are a preemie mom or experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.
Want to show off that you are a preeclampsia survivor? Check out this t-shirt from my Etsy shop.
Thank you so much for sharing this story about infant loss. I am so glad to hear that there is support. I agree that there is a special connection with mothers supporting and helping other mothers. Thank you!
Thank you for your sweet comment
Thank you so much for sharing your heartbreaking but also encouraging story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I loved what you said about how you choose to remember your son and if it makes other people uncomfortable that’s their problem. You are so lucky to have such a great support system. Thanks again for sharing your story!
I am grateful Carolina shared her story with me. She is a strong woman!
Beautiful interview. I appreciate the willingness to share and vulnerability. I agree with the tip about giving yourself time to grieve. So important!
Thanks for your sweet comment. I am grateful that my sister-in-law was willing to share with me.