This week I am excited to share a guest post written by Lisa from the blog Thank Goodness Its Recess about an insider’s perspective on infertility. This post has been in the making for a few months now and I am grateful Lisa was willing to share her thoughts about infertility. I know a lot of my readers have struggled with infertility themselves or know someone close to them who has. If you would like to learn more about my traumatic premature birth story with preeclampsia, click here.
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There is a reason that women struggling with infertility don’t enjoy attending baby showers.
Infertility is rough, there’s just no sugarcoating it.
Some words I’d use to describe it are: emotional, sad, heartbreaking, intense, stressful, worrisome, painful.
Take those feelings, throw in multiple baby shower invites from friends or family members, and increase the intensity of those unpleasant feelings by 100.
Baby showers are very challenging to navigate when you’re going through infertility.
As someone who has walked through infertility for a number of years, I can tell you from experience this is absolutely true.
I’d love to take this opportunity to share an insider’s perspective on infertility, to give you a window into the daily struggles of the journey.
If you haven’t been down this road, I am so glad for you. Seriously. I would not wish infertility upon my worst enemy. It’s too sad.
If this journey is unfamiliar to you, I hope that reading through this article will give you some insight and perhaps help you understand more of what it’s like for people in your life who may be struggling. If anything, you can walk away with more compassion and care in your heart. A win-win!
I’m going to specifically address the physical struggles, mental struggles, and emotional struggles of infertility.
What are the physical struggles of infertility?
Infertility has many physical effects on a woman’s body.
For one thing, it may be her body that isn’t functioning properly to be able to conceive a child.
Here are just a few physical issues a woman can have in regard to infertility:
- Not ovulating regularly or at all (this is my issue)
- Age-related infertility
- Blocked fallopian tubes
- Endometriosis
- PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)
- Underlying medical problems
- Unexplained infertility
- Born without a uterus (this actually happens!)
- Super irregular periods
- Can conceive but not carry to term
Those are just some physical reasons why a woman may not be able to conceive.
Another thing I want to add is that walking through infertility is extremely stressful.
We all know that added stress to our lives doesn’t help when trying to conceive and make babies.
Women going through infertility can experience insomnia, anxiety, loss of appetite, ulcers, weight loss, hormone imbalance, etc.
Bottom line: it’s hard!
Think about someone in your life who may be walking this journey currently.
Have you talked to them lately? Have you ever asked them about their journey? Are you fearful that you will make them feel awkward?
Let me be the first to say that when people do choose to ask and are genuinely concerned, that speaks volumes to me of their care and concern. And when that happens, I am happy to open up and share with them.
Saying nothing can come across as very unkind. Apathy and indifference hurt way more than an awkward silence or conversation.
Just show up for your friends and be there!
What are some mental struggles women face with infertility?
For one thing, it’s important to realize that no two women experience infertility in the same way. They may be facing the same issue, such as endometriosis, but their outlook, way of handling things, etc will most likely be very different from each other.
The actual infertility issues may be physical, but the mental struggles are very present throughout the journey.
Here’s a scenario to help you understand:
Ashley has been walking through infertility for 3 years now. Every day she takes her temperature, records it on a chart, takes her vitamins, eats healthy, and exercises, all to make sure her body is on the right track to ovulate and hopefully conceive. Her husband is good to go, the infertility issues lie with her.
She’s been doing really well mentally, trying to journal to process her feelings, getting good sleep, and trying to give herself limits on social media. Lately, she’s felt great.
Ashley gets home from work to find a baby shower invitation from her friend. It’s her second baby in 2 years.
She looks at the invitation and breaks down crying.
“Why???? I don’t get it! I’m happy for her, but why not me? This is her 2nd baby in 2 years, and I’m still just trying to have my first. This sucks and is SO UNFAIR!”
Her husband comes home from work to find her in a pile of tears, angry and upset. He tries to engage in conversation but she’s too emotional and embarrassed.
“I don’t want to talk right now. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.”
Ashley’s mental state had been so strong. It’s crazy that something as small as a baby shower invitation could send her into a downward spiral.
But it definitely can. And it did.
What is the takeaway from this example?
I’m not saying to never invite your friends struggling with infertility to your baby showers.
What I am saying is that if your friend decides to not attend, please don’t hold it against her. Know that this may be a healthy boundary she’s set up for herself during her journey, to protect herself mentally and emotionally.
Her not attending is not a personal attack on you or your pregnancy. It’s just too much for her.
Many women face mental battles during their infertility struggles, especially when the infertility issues are on them.
Here are some common thoughts/lies women may tell themselves during infertility:
- This is all my fault
- My husband resents me because we aren’t pregnant yet
- He should have married someone else
- I’m unattractive to him because I can’t carry a baby
- All of these miscarriages are my fault
- I’m not fulfilling my role as a woman and wife because I can’t conceive
- If my marriage falls apart it’s because of me
- My parents are disappointed in me because there are no grandchildren yet
- My friends pity me and don’t want to be around because they feel awkward
- I’ll never be a mother
- I must have done something wrong to cause this
The mental battle during infertility is ROUGH!
Be kind and understanding to your friends or family members struggling.
What are some emotional struggles women face during infertility?
I would say that the entire infertility journey is one huge rollercoaster of emotions.
For me, my husband and I tried for about 18 months with no pregnancies to show. Emotions: frustrated, worried, stressed, confused, sad
After 18 months, we decided to start the adoption process. We were halfway through, ready to begin our home study and make our family profile to send to birth mothers when we found out we were pregnant. Emotions: excited, hopeful, surprised, encouraged
We decided to pause our adoption process, focus on the pregnancy, and pick it up later once our daughter was around 2 years old.
Addie came and after 2 years we were open to growing our family again. Financially we weren’t at a place to continue the adoption, so our only adoption of growing our family was to try to conceive.
For the past 5 years, this has been the scenario:
Trying, trying, and more trying.
Clomid, ultrasounds, fertility specialists, uterine surgery.
Trying, trying, and more trying.
No pregnancies.
Emotions: frustrated, confused, uncertain, sad, jealous
However, Jesh and I have both reached a place of peaceful acceptance of our situation. He just turned 40, and I am about to be 39. Neither of us are wanting to do anything drastic to try and conceive again.
We know we have been very blessed with our one healthy pregnancy and precious daughter. She is a gift!
Instead, we would like to complete our adoption sometime next year and grow our family that way. Financially, it’s finally possible!
Coming to that conclusion together has produced these emotions: peace, hope, anticipation, acceptance, relief, and joy.
So many emotions, right?
And that’s just my story.
I know many women who have suffered multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, and horrific losses. Every single woman who has walked the infertility journey has emotional scars to show for it.
Bruised but not broken, right?
I hope that learning just a little bit of the emotional chaos a woman may experience on this journey sheds light on why a baby shower might be too much for someone.
Think about the joy that comes with a baby shower.
Everyone arrives doting on the pregnant mom-to-be. The entire gathering is a celebration of the new life that’s coming. The presents scream “BABY!” from the rooftops. Zillions of pictures and social media posts.
It’s not that your friend doesn’t want to celebrate your new arrival, it may just be that she can’t.
Here are some things that are difficult emotionally for many women struggling with infertility:
- Baby aisles in stores
- Baby showers
- Family holiday gatherings
- Gender reveal parties
- Any kind of baby announcement on social media
- Christmas cards
- Birthday parties
- Get togethers with friends who all have kids
If you are currently struggling with infertility, I am so sorry. I completely understand that the journey is hard and the importance of healthy boundaries in your life. They are necessary for your own sanity and mental health.
If you aren’t struggling, I hope this list gives you some insight and fosters a bit more compassion and understanding in your heart. Compassion goes a long way!
How can I help my friend or family member who is struggling?
There are so many ways you can be helpful, and you are on the right track for even asking this question!
- Write her a card
- Ask her how she is doing or if she’d like to talk about anything
- Pray for her
- Ask if you can pray with her
- Don’t be offended if she declines a baby shower invite
- Tell her personally that you’re pregnant rather than having her find out through a social media post
- Show up and be present with her, offering your presence and friendship
- Let her know you are a safe place for her to share
- Honor confidentiality
- Don’t judge any of her responses, just love her where she’s at
Helping your friend or family member isn’t difficult, but it requires intentionality, patience, and compassion.
If you want to show up and be there for a loved one, it is totally possible, and I encourage you to do it!
Remember, the infertility journey is as unique as a fingerprint. Every single woman’s story is different.
Let’s all try to show up for each other, listen with love, and help one another through the ups and downs of life.
That’s what sisters are for!
Lots of love to each of you!
Lisa
If you’d like to read more articles on infertility, here are a couple from my blog worth checking out.
Infertility Awareness: Hope For All Women Struggling
62 Comments Women HATE Hearing About Their Infertility
Author Bio:
Lisa is a former kindergarten teacher turned homeschool mom. When she’s not teaching or blogging, she enjoys writing letters, being outdoors with her family, and making iced americanos. She lives with her husband and daughter just outside of Chicago. You can read more about her humorous take on parenting and life at thank goodness it’s recess.
Social Media Handles:
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/lisajojohnson59
Facebook: Thank Goodness It’s Recess
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Infertility FAQs
What is infertility?
Generally, infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant and having unprotective sex after one year or longer. If you are 35 or older, this is within 6 months.
What are the causes of infertility?
According to Cleveland Clinic, “Causes of infertility can include ovulatory disorders, endometriosis, low sperm count or low testosterone.” In order to know the cause of your infertility, you will need to see your provider.
How do I know if I am infertile?
Infertility is usually diagnosed after not being able to get pregnant after a year of unprotective sex, or 6 months if you are 35 years old or older. You can also be infertile after having a baby. This is known as secondary infertility.
Who is at most risk for infertility?
As women get older, their fertility decreases according to Mayo Clinic with the mid-30s showing the effects. Men in their 40s sperm count may be lower than those who are younger. Various different health problems can attribute to infertility for both men and women.
Is infertility permanent?
Not all infertility is permanent. This is why it is important to seek the advice of a healthcare professional if you suspect infertility. Infertility can affect both the man and woman or just one of them in the relationship.
How common is infertility?
According to the CDC infertility is common among married women with no previous births. About 1 in 5 are unable to get pregnant after having unprotected sex over a course of a year.
Is infertility genetic?
More than half of infertility cases can be attributed to a genetic cause. It is possible that these genes have been inherited from parents. Unfortunately, infertility is extremely complex and could be a mix of many different factors.
Could you still have regular cycles and be infertile?
Yes, it is quite possible to have infertility even with regular menstrual cycles. Commonly, infertility is caused by ovulation disorders which would likely cause irregular cycles. But infertility is extremely complex and could be a mix of many different factors. Infertility can affect both the man and woman or just one of them in the relationship. So it is important to seek the advice of a healthcare professional if you suspect you are struggling with infertility.
Can you be infertile if it doesn’t run in your family?
Yes, it is quite possible to struggle with infertility even if it doesn’t run in your family. It is extremely complex and could be a mix of many different factors. It can affect both the man and woman or just one of them in the relationship. So it is important to seek the advice of a healthcare professional if you suspect you are struggling with infertility.
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