Experiencing jealousy after birth trauma is a common feeling. And I know I am not alone in experiencing jealousy towards births after experiencing my own traumatic premature birth due to preeclampsia because last month on my Instagram account I ran a few polls in my stories asking questions relating to jealousy. If you are interested in those polls, I have a highlight on my Instagram account titled “Jealousy Polls”.
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If you’re experiencing jealousy after birth trauma, I want you to know 2 things.
- It is completely normal to experience jealousy.
- You won’t always feel this way.
It is completely normal to experience jealousy after birth trauma.
Jealousy after birth trauma is a tricky feeling. I have been navigating this feeling of jealousy for nearly a year now, as the women around me who have a child the same age as mine (or younger) are getting pregnant with their second child. My initial gut feeling is jealousy when I see or hear these announcements. I am really happy for them, but I feel a pain in me. And its nothing against the women announcing their pregnancies and the joy they have, but it was because I wish so badly I was like them. At least, my perception of them.
All of the jealousy I feel is being jealous of what my perception is. Because in my perception it was easy for her to get pregnant. It was easy for her to give birth to her first child. Her life is just perfect and easy. But behind the social media highlight reel, she could’ve struggled to get pregnant. She might’ve lost pregnancies. Maybe the pregnancy wasn’t planned. My logical side knows this, but my emotional side tends to take over in a circumstance like this.
My emotions try to protect me. Jealousy is a much easier feeling to feel than the grief and pain I have. And I think that’s while the green-eyed monster called jealousy comes oozing out of my body whenever I hear or see these pregnancy announcements. This monster comes out when I see those experiencing the things I wanted, but never got. The monster knows I deserved better than what I got.
After experiencing birth trauma, my entire perception of birth was flipped upside down. Instead of it being a day where I soaked in newborn snuggles after giving birth to the human I spent the last 9 months growing, it was a day I had to ask to see a picture of my baby with my arms aching to hold her. And I think that is why I struggle with jealousy so much. I want so badly to look back on that day and feel just pure joy, instead of fear and sadness.
But I can’t do that.
And that’s the thing with trauma. Trauma stuffs its way into my brain and rewires the way I think, feel and experience the world. It demands to be heard and felt. No matter how many times I try to stuff it back into its rightful place in the back of my mind and throw away the key, it breaks free. Once it makes its way back to the front of my mind, it screams, throws its limbs around, and reminds me why I simply cannot “just don’t get jealous”.
Jealousy after birth trauma is something that many realize happens. But it does and it isn’t always being jealous of pregnancies. It can be the jealousy of vaginal delivery or maybe its jealousy of being able to take your baby home from the hospital with you. Maybe it’s jealousy towards someone who has never experienced a loss of a pregnancy or baby. The jealousy after birth trauma can manifest itself in many different ways. And it is completely normal and valid to feel jealous.
You won’t always feel this way.
This is something I know will happen. Even though I am still navigating these jealousy feelings, they aren’t as intense as they were last year. And it’s because I have done the work to work through these feelings. When you don’t let yourself feel your feelings, they will find a way to force you to feel them. Pushing your feelings aside does nothing but prevent you from starting to heal.
I want to share something I did to help me heal and address my jealousy in hopes it might help you through a freebie printable. This worksheet is the exact process I went through to address my feelings. I hope it helps guide you to figure out what is it you are jealous of exactly and why you are hurting. Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. I am just someone who has walked through similar shoes as you and just sharing what has helped me understand how I am hurting.
Click the button below to download to FREEBIE printable.
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