This week I am excited to share with you a guest post written by Lynne from One Mum & Her Boys. Lynne and I connected over on Facebook through mutual groups and this guest post has been in the works for a long time now. Lynne is a postpartum eclampsia survivor who experienced it 8 years ago. She shares below what her life was like after preeclampsia.
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Lynne’s Story
Life is not a smooth ride. Most of us muddle through day by day, just getting by, and every so often, life throws us a curve. I have had many ups and downs, just like any other person and, like most people, I push through. Life is challenging but it is how we face those challenges that define us as individuals; that shape us as people. For me, life’s biggest challenge came in the form of Postpartum Eclampsia. It wasn’t necessarily the Eclampsia that threw me but, what happened afterward and how it impacted my life going forwards.
This is my story, my experiences, and how postpartum eclampsia affected my life thereafter.
My Story
Apart from a bad case of hyper-emesis, I had a pretty normal pregnancy and birth. Thinking back, I still don’t know how I managed that. The birth was simple and straightforward, having only needed gas and air. I think this surprised everyone, being that I am quite the drama queen when it comes to injury and pain.
Approximately 12 hours later, my son was born. Having shown no symptoms of preeclampsia, there was no way of pre-empting what was going to happen when I did get postpartum eclampsia. Everything seemed normal. I had a healthy, somewhat grumpy, baby boy with not a ginger hair insight; something the hubby took great pleasure in announcing to the maternity ward.
However, early afternoon I began to feel ill. I remember eating a tuna sandwich and being sick. It’s funny thinking back, what you actually recall. From that point on it’s a little hazy. I remember being wheeled past my in-laws, being motionless in the bed, and the heat from the Magnesium Sulphate. There was also an unusual number of different faces floating in and out of my vision. At the time, what happened was so rare that I basically became a case study for every student in residence at the Maternity Unit.
Thinking back, I have certainly learned a lot from my experience and, it has impacted my life in many different ways.
Mother/Son Bonding
There is too much stigma surrounding birth and having a baby but, no way is the right way. We are all different and undergo different experiences which, in turn, affect what happens afterward. They say those first few days after birth are vital for bonding between mother and son. This is true but, for some of us, not always possible. From my own experiences, I believe that too much focus is put on having the baby, caring for the baby and, not enough focus is put on the expectations for the mum.
If I had known what I do now, I would not have put so much pressure on myself. I would have known to listen to number 1: me, myself, and I! If you blur out the noise and just listen to yourself, you will know what is right. It is a mother’s instinct but, there are too many other voices. As a new mum, I put myself in their hands and this was a detriment to me, to my son, and to our own relationship.
One side effect of developing postpartum eclampsia was the lack of milk supply. My milk production didn’t start straight away; in fact, it was a full week late. This really impacted my own mental health. I felt so much pressure to feed him and, when I couldn’t, felt like a complete failure.
The midwives and staff really were great. I honestly can’t fault them. However, there was one who just did NOT get it. She forced me to try and express myself for hours. As a new, naive mum, I didn’t have the energy or confidence to say no. When the Hubby arrived, he was less than impressed. Let’s just say that midwife was told, oh so politely, to leave and not come back.
For all you parents out there, you will know how much this can impact mother/child bonding. You are shattered and emotional. I wish I had just had the confidence to say NO.
Tink was cup-fed for the first week and so, when I was finally able to breastfeed, my body could not keep up with the demand. I tried and tried, for 8 long weeks, even submitting myself to breastfeeding support groups. These, although giving the opportunity to meet other mums, didn’t really help. Eventually, I admitted defeat. I wasn’t happy and the baby wasn’t happy. The second I switched to formula, everything changed.
We were able to put some of the negativity behind us and truly appreciate each other as mother and son. We were both a lot happier. It was after this that the health visitor told me I made the right call. I mean, the breast will always be best but, only when it doesn’t have a negative impact on the mental health of mother and child. In my case, it only led to postnatal depression.
Post Natal Depression
8 years later and I still fight those feelings of negativity but, the important thing is that I am aware of it. Another has been recognizing that I am not alone. The more I speak to other parents, the more I realize that these feelings are normal. Sometimes your kids do annoy you. Sometimes, you just wish that you had a magic mute button but, you just need to keep pushing through. You can always lock yourself in the bathroom or invest in some noise-canceling headphones.
I am lucky that I am surrounded by an amazing support network of family and friends. The one thing I will say is when you experience something traumatic, family is important. It is ok to accept help but you do need to learn to stand on your own two feet.
I truly believe that my experiences with postnatal depression stemmed from the fact that I was not prepared. I gave in too easily to those feelings of fear. After Tink was born, my Hubby stayed in the hospital those first few nights, against the wishes of the midwives. I was terrified of being alone with my son. When we finally got home, those feelings followed. When David returned to work, my dad stayed with me during the day. In the months that followed, I let my feelings bury me. I lost that part of me that made me who I am. The bubbly, vivacious, outgoing girl disappeared. All my confidence was gone.
I was jealous of my friends, living their lives free of burden and I grudged the existence of my son. He took me away from the things that made me who I was; my work, my friends, my life. I don’t feel this way now of course but, at the time, that was all I could see.
Over the years I have gradually gotten back to who I used to be but, it hasn’t been without its challenges. In the years that followed, I developed hypothyroidism and most recently, a B12 deficiency. When researching, I found that both of these may have links to Eclampsia although, not clinically proven.
Hypothyroidism
Hypothyroidism is a condition through which your thyroid gland does not produce enough hormones to help your body regulate your metabolism. Left untreated it can cause heart problems, nerve injury, infertility, and in extreme cases, death.
I developed this approx. 8 months after giving birth. Until postpartum Eclampsia, I had never experienced any severe issues with my health. I suffer from Psoriasis and take an immunosuppressant but, that is nothing compared to what I felt in the years that followed childbirth.
For several months I struggled to lose weight, I could not think clearly and, I was unbelievably tired. I felt sluggish and I could hardly move without feeling awful. Finally, the doctor took some blood and diagnosed me with Hypothyroidism. I have been on medication ever since and require regular blood tests to monitor my thyroid function.
For 10 weeks after the diagnosis of Hypothyroidism and postpartum eclampsia, I moved in with my parents. I should mention that my husband works for the energy sector and was not based in Scotland. He traveled all over the U.K. I needed help and so my parents stepped in.
Gradually I built myself back up, gained my strength, and lost weight but, it was not easy. I still suffered from postnatal depression which was made worse by my underactive thyroid. It took a lot longer to develop a positive outlook and stop letting fear take control.
Fear
Fear resides in us all. It is a natural human response to something out of the ordinary; something new or different. After the birth of my first child, my greatest fear was, quite clearly, falling pregnant again. When the hubby brought up the possibility of trying for another, my reaction was simply to burst into tears. I was terrified of going through the same experience again and frankly, it was still too fresh in my mind.
Then something, or rather someone, happened. My nephew was born. Holding him awakened something in me. Something I am ashamed to admit, I did not feel with my own child. I love my son, I always have but, there were so many negative feelings surrounding his birth that I could not enjoy those early years together. I was, quite simply put, just going through the motions. When my nephew came along, I realized I had something to prove, not just to everyone else but, to myself. I had to know that I could do it and so, Pup was brought into existence. He was, essentially, my second chance. He helped to bring joy back into my life.
I am now in such a good place that, when I was diagnosed with a B12 deficiency, I was in a better mindset to cope with it.
B12 Deficiency
Finding out I have a B12 deficiency was not really surprising, to be honest. I have regular blood tests to monitor the effects of the immunosuppressants on my body and, for a couple of years now, my results have been fluctuating.
This isn’t really a huge deal if caught in time. B12 deficiency is quite common but, there does appear to be a link between Hypothyroidism and B12. It makes me wonder; if there is a link between postpartum Eclampsia and Hypothyroidism, does this all stem back to Eclampsia? Unfortunately, there is no definitive answer. It just goes to show though how much something like Eclampsia can screw with your body.
My solution is quite simply an injection every 12 weeks. I just have to track it on a calendar and make sure I don’t miss appointments.
Having low B12 can make you feel extremely weak, tired, and depressed. In extreme cases it can cause nerve damage, weight loss, and symptoms of dementia. Thankfully, my case is minor. I just felt extremely tired but, if you have kids, you will know how hard it is to cope when your body is craving rest.
I am gradually learning to just take everything in stride. Between my own experiences, the loss of my father in law and, of course, our experiences over the past year, I really have learned to try and have a positive outlook. Life is just too damn short.
One thing I have learned over these 8 years is how stubborn and determined I am now to succeed. If anything positive came out of surviving postpartum Eclampsia, it is that. Now, no matter what I do in life, I will succeed. I will live life to the fullest.
Live Life to the Fullest
You really do need to live life to the fullest. We are currently getting ready to sell up and move houses, my youngest will be starting Primary 1 in August and both boys will need to adapt to a new school. With both now being of school age, I am also preparing to re-enter the world of working mums. Life is an adventure and you must live it. We are all in it together and whatever life throws at us we will take it on together, as a family.
Now
One thing that really helped me put so much of this into perspective this past year has been blogging. It has been my outlet. My way of expressing my feelings and making me see how I can help myself and my children. Through my writing, I can see what I am doing wrong and recognize how to change since I got postpartum eclampsia. There is so much from the past 8 years with my children that I wish I could do differently, that I know I may have done differently, had I only been able to recognize it at the time. Blogging has helped me see this.
It has also made me realize how much I have achieved and what I am capable of since having postpartum eclampsia. Yes, I gave up work to look after my children but, I have done this by myself. 80% of the time it is me and them. My hubby still works away Monday to Friday. I run a house, plan my boys’ lives, work for a charity and run a blog, which I might add I have done all by myself. Yes, I went through some hard times since I had postpartum eclampsia. I know that 8 years ago I almost lost my life but, I have come out the other end stronger and more determined than ever.
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If you are a preeclampsia survivor, HELLP syndrome survivor, or had postpartum eclampsia and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. I would love to share your birth story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors’ birth stories as possible to spread awareness.
If you are a preemie mom, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.
