If you’re reading this, you either struggle with anxiety or you know someone who does. The word anxiety is often used to describe anxious feelings during normal occurrences in life, but someone struggling with anxiety naturally feels anxious with the smallest things.
If you aren’t a part of my newsletter click here. That way you can stay up to date on my latest posts. Once you join you get a freebie printable!
Once Cora was born and home from the NICU, I wasn’t prepared for all the emotions I would experience. I felt so tensed, high-strung, and constantly on edge. Hand sanitizer was a staple in the house and used so often that my hands smelled of it. Anytime anyone else held Cora, even my husband, I would watch them like a hawk. It terrified me that her neck could kink and then she would have to be rushed to the hospital.
Table of Contents
I was so worried that someone could drop her, even though she weighed the same as a sack of flour.
At night when she would sleep I would be wide awake, listening to her breathing. Anytime I closed my eyes and started to drift off to sleep, I would have images of Cora hooked up to machines, nurses pushing medicines through IVs, and beeps racing through my head. I would then wake up startled, my lungs heavy, tears rushing down my face, sweating and my body shaking.
My husband, Steven, would wake up with his eyes filled to the brim of fear. He then would wrap his arms around me so tight to silence my shaking body and whisper over and over again “I got you. It was just a dream. I got you”. Cora would then wake up to feed.
During the first month of Cora’s life, I was still trying to pump breast milk which I had to do either after my turn to feed her or while my husband was feeding her.
It took me over an hour to pump 2 ounces of breastmilk.
After Cora’s one-month well-check her doctor ensured me that it was ok that my body couldn’t produce the milk and made arrangements to have her formula prescribed to her.
Once Cora was asleep and after my pumping session, the process started all over again. I would close my eyes, panic would come over me, Steven would comfort me and she would wake to feed. This process happened over and over again until 7 am rolled around and the day started without getting any sleep.
I was okay when Steven was home and around. I was able to take breaks to be by myself and have an adult conversation. When he left for work, it was just me left to take care of this small human. My mind was constantly thinking of scenarios of bad things that could happen and nothing else. I tracked every single ounce of formula and breastmilk Cora drank, tracked every single diaper and I checked her temperature every 3 hours. I was terrified that something bad would happen so wanted to be sure that I checked over everything.
After 5 months of this constant cycle, I broke down one night. It came after being beaten over and over again, the stresses of being a new mom, the constant judgment I felt, finances, and feeling like a failure. I cried into my pillow while Steven just rubbed my back. I tried to explain my thoughts, but I didn’t know how to.
After talking to my doctor and taking a few tests, it was suggested to me to try therapy.
It was terrifying.
I had to unzip all my thoughts and feelings of anxiety that I spent months stuffing inside to a stranger. I walked across the street from my apartment early every Monday morning to make it to my appointment before Steven’s first class. For weeks I talked and my therapist listened. In the model home decorated office, I learned coping mechanisms and boundaries. I learned that anxiety was something that I had struggled my whole life with, but the major life change of becoming a new mom, my traumatic birth (more about this in a later post), and Cora’s NICU stay made it blow up in my face.
My therapist taught me skills and how to create healthy boundaries with relationships I have in my life. Without my therapist, I would be in a much bigger mess. If I never got the help I needed from a professional, I will not be able to handle the stress of life and my relationship with my husband would be extremely strained.
There is such a stigma with getting help from a professional with mental health. There shouldn’t be. At one point in everyone’s life, they will personally struggle, or know someone, who struggles with a mental illness. Mental illness is no different than a physical illness and it should be treated with the same kind of care by a professional. There is a huge need for better mental health care for both pregnant and postpartum women who feel anxiety. I had friends and family who checked up on me constantly. Because of their encouragement, I was able to speak up to my doctor and ask if my feelings were normal.
Anxiety is something I will always struggle with.
Once I got the help I needed I was able to take control of my thoughts. The coping skills I learned in therapy I use in my everyday life to get through the day. I no longer have nightly panic attacks. I love being a mom and am able to handle my daily life with her.
According to National Child and Maternal Health Education Program, “About 1 in 8 women experiences postpartum depression after having a baby”. This is significant because that is just women who have a baby and experience anxiety on average. It is much more prevalent in women who have a baby in the NICU or who have gone through birth trauma. Don’t feel bad if you experience postpartum anxiety or depression, it is normal.
There is life on the other side of postpartum anxiety. Even though it feels like your life is consumed with anxiety there is hope and a light to guide you through the tunnel.