This post is a collaboration with Kerri from the Instagram account hellpsyndrome. Last month during preeclampsia awareness month Steven, my husband, answered 16 questions about preeclampsia and premature birth to share over on Instagram. As a husband of a preeclampsia survivor, he has a unique perspective. May was a very busy month for us, so I am now just getting around to putting together this post.
As many of you know, May is also the month my daughter was born so we celebrated her 2nd birthday. Steven’s birthday is also in May, so it is a month filled with celebration. This month we also experienced an unexpected death in my family, so I haven’t been as active on the blog or social media as I would normally be. But now that May is over, I am ready to jump back in.
Let’s move onto the post
Table of Contents
16 Things a Husband of a Preeclampsia Survivor Wants You to Know
1. Tell us about yourself
My name is Steven and I am a husband of a preeclampsia survivor, Courtney. We have been married a little over 4 years now. I like to play my drum set. I am really interested in the stock market. I love to cook meats. I love to spend time with my wife and daughter.
2. You and Courtney have created the Knock on Parenthood Podcast together to raise awareness for preeclampsia and prematurity, in addition to parenting. What is the best part about running this Instagram page and podcast you share together?
The best part is seeing how sharing our story has helped others. Being the kind of people we needed when we were in the thick of things. As a husband of a preeclampsia survivor, there were many times I didn’t know what to do or say to make things better, so I try to provide that for similar people with similar experiences.
3. How did you envision Cora’s birth? What was its reality?
I envisioned it like normal birth. Maybe Courtney’s water would break on its own or she just would have contractions at 40 weeks. And we would be in the hospital for only a few days and then go home and start our lives together. But it turned out way different. It was medical intervention after intervention. Doctor breaking her water, her being hooked up to a lot of medication and tons of interventions.
Cora was born very small for her gestational age (4 lb 17 inches) and she required a lot of attention and special care. I spent the first 6 days of her life dividing my time between her in the NICU and my wife in the mother-baby unit. The two most important people in my life were unwell. I didn’t expect to be a husband of a preeclampsia survivor but that is the way it turned out. My life will always be changed from my experiences.
4. What is something you are grateful for with Cora’s birth?
I am grateful that I was able to take time off work and was able to be there with her in the NICU every single day.
5. Speaking to HELP/Preeclampsia-eclampsia fathers, what would you tell them?
I would tell other fathers whose partners experienced this that you aren’t the most important person in the room right now. And once you realize that you will be able to become the kind of partner and father your partner and child needs. But also it is okay that you are struggling and having guilty feelings. And accept mental health help if you need it.
6. When was the first time you felt like a father?
Before she was even born. The first time Courtney was sent to the hospital. Where I was serving my wife and daughter (even though she was still in the uterus) all hours of the day. It was my job to take care of both of them. It was then I took upon myself the responsibility to become the kind of parent I wanted to be. The kind of parent I wanted my baby to have.
7. When Cora was born, both Cora and Courtney were severely sick in the hospital. Describe what it is like to be both a father and a husband of a preeclampsia survivor in this situtation.
It is a juggling act. As the husband of a preeclampsia survivor, I wanted to be with my wife 24/7 to care for her and be there for her. As a father, I wanted to be with my baby 24/7 to care for her and be there for her. I learned to trust the NICU nurses so I could be there for my wife when she needed me the most and vice versa.
8. How has preeclampsia affected you and your family?
It has affected everything. My outlook on life changed. Life is more precious to me. And spending time with my family is all I want to do because I was so close to losing them both. I’m hesitant to ever expand our family through pregnancy because I never want to experience that again.
9. What was something you wished you knew about preeclampsia before the birth?
I wish there was a way that I could relate better to my wife as she was going through it. Maybe wishing I knew another woman who went through it that she could talk to when she was in the middle of everything. I never experienced pregnancy or childbirth physically. I just couldn’t fully comprehend it all.
10. Now that is has been almost 2 years since preeclampsia, what challenges do you personally (or as a couple) face now?
Future children. We wanted 4 kids, but after what we experienced we don’t know if we want more.
11. Describe what the postpartum experience was like for you.
It didn’t fully hit me until at least 6 months after. At about 6 months, I was triggered by things that were said and done to me by my own family. And then everything fully settled in about what happened to me. I was just focused on getting Courtney better that I didn’t think about me. It was then I struggled to go to work, I found no purpose in life and was just overall depressed.
I hated my life and everything that happened and felt like it was never going to get better. It wasn’t until I attended therapy (through Courtney’s strong pushing to do so) that I was able to cope and learn how to move past it.
12. What has helped you heal or empowered you post preeclampsia?
Like I said above. Therapy. Going to therapy sessions with Courtney. Talking with other people who experienced similar as us. The outlet of the IG and podcast.
13. How did you feel on Cora’s first birthday and the anniversary of Courtney’s and Cora’s survival?
I was happy. The first anniversary didn’t really affect me much. I was just happy that we were able to have a birthday party. Happy my wife was around. Happy that life was much better. Just happy.
14. What are your thoughts and hopes for Cora when/if she becomes a mother?
I hope she NEVER has to experience preeclampsia or a NICU stay of her own child. I will be stressed out if she ever becomes pregnant. Call every day about her blood pressure haha. I hope by the time she becomes a mother that preeclampsia will be a thing of the past.
15. How has preeclampsia affected your marriage?
It was tough at first just because we both experienced trauma and were coping with it differently. And the stress of just being new parents. A new parent to a NICU/preemie baby. We weren’t able to talk about it with each other. We didn’t want to think about it. But once we were able to really sit down and talk about it, it helped us become stronger. We never thought about separating or anything like that. We still loved each other deeply, but we were both broken and unsure how to put the pieces back together.
When we started attending therapy together, it gave us a space with a facilitator talking about it. It’s not something you want to talk about when you finally get a date night with just the two of you. So therapy allowed us to have that time. We can talk openly about it now.
16. What is your hope for the future treatment of preeclampsia?
That there is a cure and prevention found. That it never happens again. That my daughter will never have to worry about it. And if not, a better treatment. I hope doctors become more educated. And I hope that doctors/mental health providers remember the spouses. We experienced the trauma too.
Conclusion
I am so grateful that Steven shared his perspective as a husband of a preeclampsia survivor. It’s easy to forget that the partners or husbands of preeclampsia survivors experienced the trauma as well. They experienced the trauma differently, by watching what occurred. But it is just as important to remember them and that they need to heal from the experience as well.
Preeclampsia doesn’t just affect the mom or newborn baby, it affects the dads. The dads experience trauma as they watch what should’ve been the happiest day of their lives unravel into a million pieces. It’s so important that we remember the dads too. Sometimes they aren’t as vocal about what they experienced, but what they experienced is still valid.
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If you are a preeclampsia survivor or HELLP syndrome survivor and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. If you are a husband of a preeclampsia survivor or any other birth trauma feel free to contact me. I would love to share your birth story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors’ birth stories as possible to spread awareness.
If you are a preemie mom, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.
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