A preemie dad is a special kind of dad. No dad ever expects their baby will be born prematurely and these dads go through a lot. I have been honored to have spoken to all different preemie dads. There is one preemie dad, in particular, who is the most wonderful and special preemie dad of them all.
In honor of November as prematurity awareness month, I wanted to share this interview with a preemie dad. I interviewed my husband, Steven, about what it is like being a preemie dad. This interview talks about all the parts of being a preemie dad. From seeing the first positive pregnancy test, through pregnancy, and up to where he is now as a father of a one-year-old girl.
Post updated 2023 for clarity.
Table of Contents
Meet Steven.
He is my best friend and we have been married for 7 years. We met during both of our second years in college and got married that spring. We got pregnant with Cora during my last semester of college (I graduated earlier than him because I received my bachelor’s in only 3 years).
Cora was born the spring/summer before his last semester of college. Steven is my biggest supporter and number one fan. He loves video games and can eat his weight in ice cream. He is Cora’s favorite person in this world.
Beginning of Pregnancy
What was your first thought when you saw a positive pregnancy test?
You were waiting for me to get home from my internship while we were living in Alabama for the first positive one. You had baby shoes on the bed and a positive pregnancy test. I knew we weren’t not trying to prevent pregnancy but were not seriously trying. It was surreal. I came home and I realized that God was saying “Hey you’re ready. It’s time to go into the next phase of life.”
It was joyful because I would think in my mind what it would be like to hold my child. And I was really excited about that. For every single positive we got it was exciting but only to be disappointed a few weeks later when you started to bleed and would miscarry. [Click here to read the post where I share about my miscarriages]
What was it like seeing the baby on the first ultrasound did you ever think you would end up as a preemie dad?
When I saw a baby on the ultrasound it was mind-blowing because you don’t realize that something that small can be living. And it is crazy to think that it wouldn’t be living without the mom’s body and it’s just a small flutter of the heartbeat on the screen. And unless you have seen that before you wouldn’t know that it is a tiny little human.
I never thought prematurity would ever be a part of our story. I didn’t think I would end up as a preemie dad. You don’t think about that kind of thing at the beginning of a pregnancy, especially if you never experienced it before.
What were you most excited about being a dad?
I always just thought being a dad was just coming home to someone who loves, respects, and admires you. But now that I am a dad it is something totally different. It is all those things but it is something that you couldn’t live without that little human, in my case a daughter, who looks up to you and relies fully on you. And you love them unconditionally.
What was my pregnancy like in your view?
Oh, man. Well, your pregnancy was definitely not normal. It started off with sorta just a hope that it would not end up being a miscarriage/another chemical pregnancy. Every single moment was focused on ‘How can I keep this baby? What is this child going to be like?'”. And realizing that this kid has got to be a perfect one because we put so much effort in to keep her and you alive.
There were many times it sucked because the doctors would say one thing and the world would say something. Everything changed in an instant the second you were diagnosed with preeclampsia. You were very paranoid. I had to hold you close and calm you down basically 24/7 but as I did I grew closer to you and was able to prepare myself for whatever happened. I did my best to keep you safe, happy, and healthy.
I didn’t ever think about the possibility of being a preemie dad. You just don’t think about prematurity if it never happened to you.
How did it feel feeling her kick for the first time?
It was pretty intense realizing that my baby was actually alive and could respond to me and know that I was there. She could react to noises I made or me blowing raspberries on your belly.
End of Pregnancy
How did it feel when I was admitted to the hospital for the first time?
What the heck is going on? It’s insane we are here. It’s too early [33.5 weeks]. The doctors have everything under control and everything will be fine. I’m nervous I’m scared. Am I ready to be a dad? Will I end up as a preemie dad?
It was scary at the time and looking back, I just didn’t feel or think a lot about it while it was happening. I was just too focused on getting through what was happening. I learned I would likely end up as a preemie dad and was just scared I was going to lose you. It is awful knowing your wife is walking the line of death and if we didn’t get the help you needed when you did you would have died.
Read more of the preeclampsia preemie birth story here.
In your words, what was it like the last 1.5 weeks leading up to delivery?
Every day I would lay in bed and think, “How can I protect my family? How do I make sure my wife is safe and she doesn’t go into labor too soon? What can I do as a husband to protect my wife and make sure she is healthy?”. I did all I could and took you to the pharmacy to get your blood pressure tested. I made sure you were taking your medications.
It was just hard knowing that I really had no control over when it would happen or how it would happen. Worried you would have a stroke or seize in the middle of the night. Didn’t sleep. Every day going into work I had my phone volume on and was anticipating a call that something horrible happened to you.
Tell me about the day Cora was born and you became a preemie dad.
I took you to a doctor’s appointment and they checked you. You were dilated to a 3 almost 4 and the doctor said, “you are having this baby today”. Your blood pressure was super high and they had to check it multiple times to ensure it really was that high. It was crazy that it was that high with all the blood pressure medication you were on.
It was my responsibility to keep you as calm as possible to help you and our baby. At the time, I was really just trying to fix everything. I remember you calling your mom after they just left the day before telling them you were having the baby that day. It was really scary for them too.
You were terrified and I was scared too. They had us in the hospital for what seemed like forever. Finally, the situation got worse and they had to deliver Cora right away or she and you could be in danger. We put everything in the doctor’s hands and everything just happened in a blink of an eye. I watched you get wheeled away and just hoped you would still be alive.
What was it like meeting Cora for the first time?
A preemie dad experiences so much when he first meets his child. It melted my heart. She was so small. She would just look around. Everything was new to her. She was really precious and she just seemed to fit into my life as she had always been there. But I hated that I was alone in that. You were still in the OR when I met her in the NICU for the first time. I was told that you were stable but you weren’t fully coherent so I wasn’t sure how things would go.
NICU & Postpartum Experience
How would you describe the NICU experience as a preemie dad in 3 words?
Emotional. Repetitive. Precious.
If you could go back and give yourself advice as a preemie dad, what would you say?
The doctors will do their best. Your wife will be fine. Do all that you can do to support her. Things change for the good. Everything just needs time. Being a preemie dad is hard and the NICU stay is incredibly difficult but you both will make it through.
As a preemie dad, how did it feel to be the only one in our family who was not a patient in the hospital?
I felt like I was one [a patient]. I slept and ate there. Never left the hospital. My family was hurting.
What advice do you have for current preemie dads?
Support your wife/partner. For everything that goes wrong with your child or wife/partner, you need to be able to be part of the solution to help them through it. Being a preemie dad is hard and it isn’t something you ever asked for but it is incredible to watch your preemie grow.
What advice do you have for partners of those who get diagnosed with preeclampsia?
Reassure your partner that everything will be okay. We live in a time that medicine can help and doctors do know how to prevent the worst from happening. But the doctors need to know what is going on so be sure to tell them what is happening and advocate for your partner. Don’t be afraid to seek help.
Is there anything you wish you could change as a preemie dad?
I wish it didn’t happen the way it did and wish you didn’t get preeclampsia and I wish you were able to carry full term. I wish she was born bigger, but because she was small we’ll have so much to tell her about how strong she and her mom is.
What was the day like when Cora came home as a preemie dad?
Surreal. Like my life was mine again. I didn’t have to feel trapped in a hospital. We were able to hold her whenever and wherever we wanted. We could walk around with her because she wasn’t attached to anything. It was also scary because I really didn’t want to mess up. I really felt like I could be a dad for the first time since she was born.
Do you have any advice for preemie dads whose partner is struggling with postpartum depression due to prematurity?
Be honest with yourself and be honest with your wife about what is going on. Your wife shouldn’t feel shamed for seeing a therapist or working through issues. You should feel that it is okay your wife is dealing with this. There are lots of people who have this going on in their lives, she isn’t the first and won’t be the last.
Any advice for preemie dads whose partner has anxiety because of prematurity?
Don’t give her any reason to feel that she failed. Help take care of the kid as much as you can like during the night to feed. Don’t discount any of the feelings.
Reflection
What is your favorite memory of Cora/being a preemie dad so far?
I love it when she sleeps on my chest. And that I can always calm her down.
What kind of dad are you wanting to be?
I want to be a dad who in his spare time, shares every moment with his daughter. I want to make her feel special, play with her, and take her out on daddy-daughter dates, and a father who relives exploring the world with his daughter.
How would you describe being a dad of a daughter in three words?
Smiles. Sparkles. Precious.
Did you always want to be a dad?
Yes. 100%. I never realized it would turn out that I would be a preemie dad. I have so much joy from it.
What are you excited about as Cora gets older?
Daddy-daughter dates. Teaching her how to ride a bike. Helping her to learn and do fun activities with her.
Tell me what motherhood is like through your eyes.
Motherhood will push you to your limits. But as you are pushed to your limits you grow beyond any capacity you thought you had. Motherhood is learning to be completely selfless. And break down the walls you had. And it is also a true form of love.
Has our relationship changed since becoming parents?
We rely on each other more. Knowing that if one of us is tired the other one will pick up the slack. And we are able to appreciate each other more for what each one has done. There is more support. We are closer than we were before.
How have you changed since becoming a preemie dad?
I’m more tired. I have been able to realize what parts of my life I really want to focus on because I set an example for my daughter.
Steven is someone I think very highly of and look up to. He is a good man, a wonderful preemie dad, and a caring husband. I loved interviewing him and gaining a better understanding of what his experience as a dad has been like. I hope you all take a moment today to thank and appreciate not only dads but the men who have been father figures in your life.
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What a beautiful story! I enjoyed reading it. Everyone’s story and struggle is so different. For us, we thought we could never have children because we tried and tried for years and couldn’t get pregnant. We stopped trying and a few months later, I missed my period and took a pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe my eyes! We were so excited we were expecting. What a blessing and a journey.
What a blessing!