Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Anxiety-Filled Weeks 4-17

By the time this blog post publishes, I will have already announced that I am pregnant again after ectopic pregnancy loss, and have publicly shared that I am in the pregnancy after ectopic pregnancy loss journey. Today, I am 11 weeks and 3 days and while I was showering I had the random thought I needed to write blog posts about my journey. I have enjoyed reading others’ stories online because it has made me feel less alone in feelings and everything I am experiencing with pregnancy after loss.

This blog post in particular will probably cover more weeks than future posts. For my pregnancy after ectopic pregnancy loss journey, in particular, the first trimester has been mushed together, and has felt relatively the same each week.

For those who do not know, this is my third pregnancy (I have had 3 chemical pregnancies before my living daughter, but I have only had 3 medically/clinically diagnosed pregnancies). My first was my living daughter who was born prematurely due to preeclampsia with severe features and my second was an ectopic pregnancy I am on my second pregnancy in less than a year.

According to ACOG an ectopic pregnancy is, “when a fertilized egg grows outside of the uterus. Almost all ectopic pregnancies—more than 90%—occur in a fallopian tube. As the pregnancy grows, it can cause the tube to burst (rupture). A rupture can cause major internal bleeding. [Ectopic pregnancy is] a life-threatening emergency that needs immediate surgery.”

According to Pregnancy after Loss Support, “Pregnancy after loss is a unique experience of grief and joy that requires recognition from family, friends, peers, and professionals“

pregnancy after ectopic pregnancy loss weeks 4-17

Table of Contents

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 4

I found out I was pregnant much earlier than previous times. I took a pregnancy test about 4 days before my period because I just felt like doing it. My husband, Steven, and I agreed that once I was cleared to try again we wouldn’t prevent pregnancy. We were both scared that it would be hard for us to get pregnant again, even though my doctor assured me that my fertility was not affected with only 1 tube left. I personally, also didn’t want to wait whatever amount of time and then try for a year only to find out I was infertile.

I knew I had ovulated that cycle because I was tracking my LH surge to see how my cycle regulated post-surgery. I thought, “Well if it happens it happens.” Not really hoping for a pregnancy but also hoping at the same time. I was only 3 months post-op, but felt pretty healed physically and also had the clear from my doctor to resume all my normal exercise and to try again. I hadn’t gotten back up to running the same distance and timing or not getting as tired out during high fitness classes as I did pre-surgery, but I could still do a lot.

That pregnancy test showed a very faint line, indicating a faint positive. My eyes widened and my emotions were empty. I hurried out of the bathroom towards Steven who was snuggling with our daughter while watching one of her favorite shows and handed it to him. His eyes looked up at me and he said, “Okay. We’ll see what happens.”

“We’ll see what happens,” I agreed.

The next few days, I convinced myself I would see blood the next time I would go to the bathroom. I felt indifferent to the pregnancy. I just was waiting for something bad to happen. I waited a few days before I called my doctor to make an appointment.

On the phone call, my doctor’s office asked if I wanted to come in earlier for blood testing. I denied it because I felt okay and I wasn’t bleeding but said I would call if I wanted to be seen before the 8-week appointment and ultrasound. They assured me that anytime I wanted to be seen I could come in. I felt assured and comforted that my doctor would support me like that after my loss.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 5

During week 5, I bought my daughter a new “Big Sister” shirt from Amazon. I bought one previously for the baby we lost, but she has since grown out of that size of shirt and I also wanted a new shirt for this baby.

A few days after I got the Big Sister shirt in the mail, we went over to visit my parents who live close by, and share the news. Typically, we keep this kind of news to ourselves for a bit longer, but because of what happened last pregnancy I wanted my parents to know sooner than later in case we needed help again. During my ectopic pregnancy, I called them frantic to ask if I could get help because something was wrong, and surprise, I was pregnant. This time, I wanted them to know if something were to happen.

This was the week I started to feel symptoms. I was extremely nauseous, tired, and had sore breasts. It was reassuring to feel symptoms like these because, during my ectopic pregnancy, I did not feel any symptoms besides not getting a period and feeling bloated. I later learned the bloating feeling was due to me bleeding out into my abdomen.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 6

During week 6, I started to believe that I could possibly stay pregnant. It was by this time I had started to bleed with the last pregnancy. I ended up being much further along than I thought I was with the ectopic, but I had known about that pregnancy for as long as I knew about this one at this point.

I was experiencing much more intense nausea. I didn’t want to eat but yet eating made me feel better. I could barely get myself to the gym to just walk on the treadmill. I spent a lot of my days on the couch, watching my daughter play and attempting to participate in playtime. And lots of screen time for both of us.

I started feeling some cravings for sweets, but the thought of eating anything made me want to throw up. I also started to feel like I was starting to show because I felt so bloated and large. Due to recovery from my surgery, I had gained some weight and lost some core strength I had previously, so my stomach was already different looking than just months before. I felt really self-conscious about my tummy and body I stopped wearing my jeans before my surgery and hadn’t worn them since because they never felt comfortable.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 7

During week 7, I started to get some intense anxiety about losing this baby. I was so close to my doctor’s appointment, but also it was still so far away. I kept telling myself that if it were another ectopic pregnancy I would be bleeding by now.

By this week I had told some of my friends who are in the preeclampsia, birth trauma, and loss community about my pregnancy. I wanted to support and love them during this journey, no matter how long it would be. They were some of my biggest supports during my loss. I was sent many messages of support and love. I was so grateful and looked back at them often.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 8

We made it to the first ultrasound and appointment! I was anxious until I saw the movement of our little babe on the screen during the ultrasound. I breathed out the biggest sign of relief because the last time I saw my uterus on ultrasound it was empty.

Steven was with me and we brought our daughter with us. We both felt it was going to be good news and felt okay to bring her with us. Her amazement at seeing the baby warmed my heart and I started to feel that same excitement. It became much more real for all of us. I learned during this ultrasound that my uterus is tilted towards my spine. The tech told me it doesn’t mean much besides that it can be tricky to find the heartbeat on a Doppler.

During week 8, we told some more people in our life about the good news. We kept it pretty quiet and only told a handful of people.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 9

I really hoped that seeing the baby on the ultrasound would ease all of my anxieties. But it only did for a short time. I searched for some support groups online and found a Facebook group that helped assure me that what I was feeling was normal.

I still didn’t want to share about the pregnancy on a big scale or with more people. It wasn’t because I wasn’t happy or excited. It just felt really scary to share about it. I felt like I would be judged for getting pregnant so soon, which was an odd feeling for me to feel. I also just didn’t want to answer any questions or hear comments about how the baby we lost before will be replaced or the memory washed away with a new baby.

During week 9, Steven and I decided we wanted to do a SneakPeek gender test. We wanted to know ASAP. We also wanted to know in case we were to lose this baby too. We wanted to be able to name this baby from the beginning and know if we were having a son or daughter.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 10

We got the SneakPeek test results beginning of this week/end of week 9.

We are having. . .

a baby girl!

We were so excited when the email from SneakPeek showed up in my email box. Steven and I opened it together and hugged and kissed with joy at the result. A baby girl. A little sister. We chose her name right then and there.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 11

This week in one word: Anxiety

I got stomach flu middle of week 10 and onto week 11. I couldn’t eat anything. It was the sickest I have felt in a long time because, on top of it, I was still feeling nauseous from the all-day sickness of pregnancy. I felt so tired and worn out that all I could do is sit or lay down. The days went by really slowly and all I could think about is if my baby was okay and if we would be able to make it to the next appointment.

I wanted to plan for a great pregnancy. Daydream about a baby sprinkle, what life would be like with two little girls, and how lucky we were that we were able to get pregnant again. But all I could think about was the what-ifs. All the bad things that could happen.

My stomach felt huge and bloated. I started to be more self-conscious and put away any of my tighter clothes that wouldn’t hide my belly. I wanted the world to know we were expecting another baby, but at the same time, I want to keep it more of a secret.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 12

I made it to the next appointment!

I was very anxious about this appointment. I convinced myself that the baby’s heartbeat stopped between 8 weeks and 12 weeks. I went in knowing that it might be hard to find the heartbeat and most likely would need an ultrasound. That fact still didn’t ease any anxiety I had about losing another baby.

As predicted, my doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat on the Doppler. The whole time he was looking he kept telling me that baby is still small and the way my uterus is titled can make it hard to find. Still, in my mind, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst. He then said he was going to give me an ultrasound.

My doctor handed me a slip of paper with the bloodwork I needed so the lab techs knew how much blood to draw after my ultrasound. Steven, our daughter, and I followed my doctor to the room for the ultrasound. I held my breath as the wand went over my belly until I saw the heartbeat on the screen. The baby was still alive.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 13

This week was the week I realized that pregnancy really does make it harder to exercise. I ran my last 5k (for the 140 over 90 run) and it wiped me out. I never got back up to where I was before the ectopic pregnancy surgery and being 13 weeks pregnant, I really felt that. But I was able to compete it—and I was proud.

The following days after the run, I was very sore and tired. I just felt overall bleh. I learned I pushed myself way too hard. I have tried to be careful with my exercises since and now do low-impact cardio and strength.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 14

This week I was really starting to feel good. I wanted to eat food again, water was something I wanted to drink again instead of just forcing it down and I felt like I could exhale. I told a few more people in my life we were pregnant, which made me feel excited all over again. It felt good to share the news.

This week we went on our first family road trip of the year. It was a little tough on me physically, since I was starting to feel the aches and pains of pregnancy–aka not feeling comfortable ever. But it was enjoyable to be together as a family of 3 on vacation since we likely won’t travel again until at least the end of the year (and as a family of 4!).

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 15

This week, I felt my bump really start to show. I wasn’t quite ready for it to show so I had to make sure if I was going out in public wear my baggier clothes. This week Steven and I celebrated our anniversary and enjoyed a night out as the two of us. I kept reading blogs and books about pregnancy after loss, which has comforted me a lot. It made me feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings.

I started to feel some movements at the end of week 15 at night. Which is incredibly reassuring.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 16

Making it to the third appointment was a huge milestone for me. I came in with a lot of questions because exercising was beginning to feel uncomfortable, particularly anything that uses the muscles around my ectopic pregnancy incisions. My doctor told me it is most likely the scar tissue and with my uterus growing it puts pressure on those areas so I just need to slow down and be careful. Which has been difficult for me emotionally.

Exercise became a way for me to cope with my emotions and helped me feel more confident. I liked being able to lift heavy and run longer distances. It made me feel my body was strong and capable–the complete opposite feelings I felt during my pregnancies.

I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler for the first time this week. It was music that I desperately needed to hear. And seeing the face of my husband and daughter hear it warmed my heart. I looked forward to the end of the week at 16+6/17 weeks ultrasound.

At the ultrasound, the baby was basically playing hide and seek with the ultrasound tech. But eventually, we were able to confirm what the sneak peek test told us–we are having a girl.

Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 17

Between hitting 17 weeks and seeing our daughter a third time, we felt like we were ready to share publicly that we were expecting our rainbow baby and it was going to be another girl.

It felt exciting to do so. We got excited all over again. It felt good to share our happy news and feel more support and love. This week we also began to fully believe we would be able to take our baby girl home with us. We know there is no safe zone in pregnancy, but week 17 is when we were able to start to believe.

I started to buy some things to prepare for a new baby and talk about it more. I embrace the small bump I’ve acquired, which is also good since maternity tops are just a lot more comfortable to wear than my non-maternity tops. I had been wearing maternity pants and leggings since week 7, but those aren’t as noticeable as maternity tops.

How I am Currently Feeling about Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss

I am 17 weeks and 4 days currently. And I feel good. Physically, I am just tired (who isn’t pregnant?). Emotionally, I feel secure and that I will be able to bring her home. The fear of developing preeclampsia or our baby girl becoming IUGR isn’t gone, but it isn’t debilitating. I am trying to actively choose to be in the present moment and hope for the best.

I keep track of my blood pressure at home and I know my doctor is watching me closely. I take baby aspirin and my prenatal vitamins. I know the signs and symptoms better now so IF something were to happen, I can take action. Of course, I am hoping for a better birthing experience and it would be devastating if I don’t get that. But I know I am doing everything in my control to give me a better experience. Everything else is out of my control.

I have been talking to doulas on and off since the beginning of the pregnancy. We possibly will hire one that is focused on postpartum, but I haven’t decided yet. I will be having another c-section, so it seems there really isn’t a whole lot a doula can do for me besides emotional support and initial postpartum. Using those funds to see my therapist again is more of a priority for me. I am currently not in therapy, but I plan to jump back in as a precaution during the end of the second or beginning of my third trimester.

I have gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where I am able to use all the tools and techniques I learned to manage the anxiety I feel. And I know how to get extra support if I need it. I communicate with my doctor during my appointments about the anxiety I feel, so it isn’t a secret. I feel overall, pretty good.

Pregnancy after Ectopic Pregnancy Loss FAQs:

I had surgery and my tube was removed
I also had a large cyst in my ovary at the same time that was drained out during the surgery
I had a D&C at the same time
I never took methotrexate to manage the ectopic pregnancy
I do not qualify for a VBAC due to my medical and pregnancy history
I have been on baby aspirin ever since I was TTC due to my history of blood clots and preeclampsia

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