Preeclampsia Birth Story: Part 5 (Strong Emotions in the NICU)

I originally published my preeclampsia birth story in May 2020. Since its original publication, I have gone through a lot of therapy and have remembered parts of the story that I didn’t remember last year. I also have clarified some things and made changes to make the story flow a bit more. Everything I described is true and what I experienced.

When you experienced a traumatic birth, sometimes you don’t remember everything as your brain’s way of protecting you… If you want to stay updated on my latest posts and follow along with this story click here to subscribe. Click here to read Part 1 (Watch Your Blood Pressure). Click here to read Part 2 (Time For My Unexpected Hospitalization). To read part 3 (Have This Baby Immediately) click here. Click here for Part 4 (The Painful Time After C-Section).

How Long Did My Preeclampsia Birth Story Last?

I spent a total of 6 days in the hospital due to preeclampsia. All of these days in the hospital blur together for me. In my last post, I talked about my first 2 days. Days 3-6, looking back, all seem like the same day just blurred together. So as I talk about these days, most will not have a specific day things occurred.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Visiting in the NICU

While I visited Cora in the NICU for the first time, I was constantly crying.

Part of me was crying out of happiness that my baby was alive, the other part was tears of sorrow because she was so tiny. Nothing can prepare you for what it feels like to see your baby hooked up to monitors and in an isolate. She was so tiny. She was the size of a baby doll. I also couldn’t believe that this was a real baby. That she was inside me just days before.

I had just gotten off of magnesium and was starting to feel like I didn’t have the flu anymore. I was still just crazy nauseous and struggled to hold her without feeling like I was going to puke my guts out everywhere. After my husband, Steven, and I said goodnight to Cora he wheeled back to my postpartum room in the Mother-Baby unit a wheelchair.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Physical Toll From Emotions

Once I got back in to the hospital bed I cried myself to sleep.

I really couldn’t emotionally process everything. The first time I had a moment to myself to really think about all that happened was this night. Just days before I was pregnant and fine and the next I was on watch 24/7 to seize or stroke. When Cora was inside of me, I could protect her from the outside world, but now I could do nothing and it was my fault.

I had to take blood pressure medication and narcotics every few hours and a nurse would come by and wake me up to take it. While administering the drugs I would also get my vitals taken. I woke up not being able to open my eyes to see to take the medications. My blood pressure kept rising and my body and face swelled. I was swollen the most in my face, as pictured below.

My doctor and nurses assured me that the swelling would go down, and it was just my body’s reaction to the birth, preeclampsia, and trauma it went through. My nurse that day wasn’t kind towards my concerns and brushed them off. That made Steven very angry because all she told me was that it would eventually go away. She was right, but she also did nothing to try and help me with the swelling.

My eyes hurt and I kept crying, which kept my eyes swollen. It wasn’t until shift change that I got a new nurse for the day that she gave me ice packs to see if that would reduce the swelling. This is something I really wish wasn’t a part of my preeclampsia birth story.

It took all day and most of the night for me to be able to open up my eyes again to see.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: The Need For Empathy

My mom was able to come and see me about 3 days into my hospital stay. She lived 4 hours from where I was and couldn’t take the time off of work yet. It meant a lot to me that she came. My grandma lived in town and visited me as well as one of my best friends. But I really wanted my mom to be there with me. I wanted someone who really knew me and could be someone for me to cry to and will understand my feelings.

Steven really tried to comfort me as much as he could but he had never given birth before so he could only sympathize with me the pain of childbirth I was going through. It meant so much to me having my mom there to empathize with me because she also had a c-section with two of my siblings.

I also never had acne or rash problems before I developed preeclampsia. It took a year for the acne to get under control, and I still have problems.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: It Takes Time To Heal

Several months passed before my face was no longer swollen.

Once I was able to open my eyes, I saw my baby in the NICU. I tried to see her as often as I could. I was having a hard time developing a bond with her. Every time I saw Cora, I felt guilt for causing her to be born early and small. I associated every bad thing that happened to me with her. I really believed that developing preeclampsia was my fault and I should have done a lot of things differently.

The first week of Cora’s life I was sucked in my hospital bed and in my room alone. It was a gamble each day if my pressures were stable enough for me to leave and go see her in the NICU. My nurses and doctor checked in on me often but until day 5 it was all bad news.

My pressures were lowering, but not fast enough for my doctor to be satisfied. He was puzzled because at the dosage of the medication he was giving me, my pressures should be lowering faster. He ordered me an EKG and a chest x-ray.

My doctor was concerned that there was something missed biologically when I was a kid, such as something wrong with the anatomy of my heart.

The results of the EKG came out normal and my chest x-ray showed that I had a lot of fluid in my lungs.

To get the fluid out of my lungs I had a device that I blew into. It measured how much air I was getting out. I breathed in as much air as I could and then I blew it out. I had a number I had to get to in order to get home. That motivated me because I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. I wanted to sleep in the same bed as my husband again.

Getting to that number was hard. Before this, I didn’t realize that it was hard for me to breathe. But it was difficult for me to reach that number. Every hour I tried to do it. And each time I failed.

Around the end of my hospital stay, my pain medication changed from a narcotic to something less like Motrin. My nurse thought that my pressures were still higher because of my nausea and my nausea was caused by the narcotic. The narcotic was just too strong of medication for me. Once I stopped taking the narcotic, it was a night and day difference. The nausea subsided and slowly my pressures lowered.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: C-Section Recovery

One of the goals, when you have a c-section, is to be able to pass gas either by farting or burping. There is so much gas in your body afterward and they want to make sure your body is working properly and releasing the gas. I couldn’t do it. I felt like so much gas was in me and I wanted to pass it, but I couldn’t.

My incision and the area surrounding it were so sore and weak that even moving to get out of bed made me scream out of pain. All the gas rolling around inside of me was painful as well. I would get stool softeners and laxatives to try and help me either a) fart b) poop or c) burp.

I also took lots of walks with the assistance of the handles of the wheelchair and my night nurse around the hospital to try and get me to pass gas. None of that happened until the day I was discharged.

Never in my life did I think I would be so happy to fart in front of strangers.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Accepting Help

Once I was discharged, my mom and Steven helped me get into the apartment. My mom did our laundry and cleaned up our apartment while we were in the hospital. She got us groceries before she left and also food to heat up to eat. She wasn’t able to stay longer because she needed to go back to work and also we didn’t know when Cora would be able to come home.

Steven and I spent every waking moment in the NICU. We woke up, picked up food, and then drove to the hospital. The hospital was only about a 10-minute drive away. We spent the day cuddling Cora and feeding her. Once midnight rolled around, we left so we could go sleep.

Steven had to help me walk everywhere because with each step I took I felt like all of my insides were going to spill out of me. The worst part of getting back into the apartment was going up the stairs because it took a long time to go up the stairs because with each step I took, I had to take a few minutes to catch my breath and brace myself for the next painful step.

Once we were inside of our apartment, we would shower. Steven had to help me wash my hair and my body because I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength to stand for a long period of time without having my hands pressed against the cold tile to keep me up. He helped me shower for a little more than a month.

After showering we would fall into bed. We were physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Inner Conflict With God

Steven and I would pray the best we could and then held each other while we both cried ourselves to sleep.

We are religious. We go to church regularly and read our scriptures and pray. But at this time, we didn’t. I was so pissed off. How could an all-powerful being allow this to happen to me? This kind of thing only happened to other people. Why would He allow my little baby to suffer and struggle to live at only a few days old? Steven and I kept asking “Why?” We both felt very alone.

We felt like no one cared what we were going through. My parents called us multiple times a day while I was in the hospital and also while Cora was in the NICU. My best friend and her husband provided us with meals and visited us.

All of these things meant a lot and were a huge help. But something inside of us still felt lonely and empty.

We went to church the first Sunday after I was discharged and Cora was still in the NICU. We felt like maybe it would bring us some relief. Steven and I showed up a few minutes before church started and sat in the back.

The first hymn we sang talked about families and we both couldn’t sing because tears were streaming down our faces. I had a hard time being there because I had just gone through a life-threatening experience and hadn’t fully processed it yet. There were pregnant women all around me rubbing their bellies lovingly and all I could think was

“I should still be pregnant right now”.

The sacrament was then passed and we took it and then left. We couldn’t handle being there because someone was missing. Cora should’ve been there with us.

It is hard to express all the emotions we felt the 15 days Cora was in the NICU. We were so depressed that she was there, but also so grateful she was alive. All parents of preemies will be able to understand this feeling.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Postpartum Depression.

I was depressed from the moment she left my body. After several months of trying to work through it on my own, I finally took the advice of my doctor and Steven and saw a therapist. I also struggled with severe postpartum anxiety (read my post here, if you want to read more in detail about it) and I would do tons of things such as checking Cora’s temperature every 3 hours, tracking how many wet and dirty diapers, and tracking how much formula she would eat.

An insane amount of guilt for not being able to breastfeed haunted me. I got a lot of comments and shame about it, and all that did was spiral me into a deeper depression.

I had panic attacks, until I went to therapy, almost every night. Whenever I had a panic attack, Steven would hug me tightly and do breathing exercises with me. If you have never had a panic attack, the closest thing I can relate it to is, it feels like a bowling ball has fallen onto your chest and you are trying to breathe but then a thousand other bowling balls fall on top of you. The depression didn’t hit Steven until several months after she was born, about the same time as I was starting to get better.

Steven saw a therapist for the depression he was experiencing. I later joined him and we started doing family therapy sessions with that therapist. Those sessions really brought us closer together and helped us work through the trauma we experienced.

It has taken us years to work through all the trauma, and we still have moments with it.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Baby Milestones

Cora was a part of our state’s Infant and Toddler program once she got home. I am so grateful for this program because it helped Cora stay on track with her milestones and got her the help she needed. She struggled with milestones such as rolling (she didn’t roll until 9 months) and speech (we started this at just over a year).

Cora was working with a physical therapist for months as well as a developmental specialist. She is now working with a speech specialist. This is such a great program and I can’t recommend it enough.

We also have a social worker that helps us out with things we need. When Cora was born, I had graduated college 6 months before and my husband had one more semester left. We were unprepared for her early arrival because we expected to have more money saved up from my job. I had to quit my job almost 2 months earlier because of the complications.

We also had medical bills to deal with and tried to make ends meet with all the unexpected things a preemie baby needed. Today, we still keep in contact with her social worker. Currently, it is to coordinate the care with the Infant & Toddler program since we are now more on our feet financially.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Happy 2-Year-Old

Cora acts like any other two year old and no one would be able to tell how hard her life started out. I am closer to being back to normal. Cora is on the smaller side and probably always will be. She is growing on the growth chart as she should.

Cora’s doctor is happy with her progress. It has taken me longer to lose my pregnancy weight and become back to my “normal” self, than someone who didn’t go through what I went through. But I do not have to take any blood pressure medication and I am able to do all the exercises I was able to do before pregnancy.

I am very happy about that.

Preeclampsia Birth Story: Can I Get Pregnant Again?

If I were to want another baby in the future, there are a lot of steps I would have to take. I mourn that because it is no longer just my and Steven’s decision. I will need to consult with a high-risk OGBYN (an MFM) and get some testing done. From there, the MFM will be able to tell me how risky or deadly it would be for me to get pregnant again.

Not only did I have preeclampsia, but I also delivered early and had an IUGR baby. Which all are risk factors that this exact thing could happen again. Preeclampsia took a normal pregnancy experience away from me, and I do mourn that. But I am happy, healthy, and alive. My daughter is happy, healthy, and alive.

I am grateful that my preeclampsia birth story ended with our lives in tact.

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Not only can you read my words, but you can also listen to my preeclampsia birth strory too! Here it is the Knock on Parenthood Podcast!

A preeclampsia birth story can go by fast. It is important to be on top of your pregnancy and prepared for anything. Checking my blood pressure regularly was very important to me and if you are pregnant it should be important to you. Here is the blood pressure cuff that I used to stay on top of my health. Click on the picture below to get one for yourself.

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