This post is a continuation of my previous post covering weeks 4-17 of my current pregnancy. I recommend reading that one first if you have not read it already.
I like to share these posts because I have enjoyed reading others’ stories online. It has made me feel less alone in feelings and everything I am experiencing with pregnancy after loss.
For those who do not know, this is my third pregnancy (I have had 3 chemical pregnancies before my living daughter, but I have only had 3 medically/clinically diagnosed pregnancies). My first was my living daughter who was born prematurely due to preeclampsia with severe features and my second was an ectopic pregnancy I am on my second pregnancy in less than a year.
According to ACOG an ectopic pregnancy is, “when a fertilized egg grows outside of the uterus. Almost all ectopic pregnancies—more than 90%—occur in a fallopian tube. As the pregnancy grows, it can cause the tube to burst (rupture). A rupture can cause major internal bleeding. [Ectopic pregnancy is] a life-threatening emergency that needs immediate surgery.”
According to Pregnancy after Loss Support, “Pregnancy after loss is a unique experience of grief and joy that requires recognition from family, friends, peers, and professionals“
Table of Contents
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 18
As each week passes I feel better and better. By this week any nausea I have felt has subsided. At this point, it has also become public knowledge that I am pregnant again, especially since my bump is getting more noticeable. I don’t hide it but I also don’t bring it up.
I take my daughter to preschool during the week and on those days I make sure to wear a baggier shirt. I just don’t want to small talk about it especially since near the beginning of the school year is when I had my ectopic pregnancy. I just didn’t want to talk about it. This was an odd feeling because I’m pretty open about these kinds of things, but I just didn’t want to bring it up.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 19
My anxiety comes and goes. I still have the thought about loss because I know it happens and it can happen to me. Since my loss was in the first trimester and ectopic pregnancy, getting past the first trimester and seeing baby sis on ultrasound a few times has subsided a lot of my fears of loss.
My anxieties now have more to due to with getting preeclampsia again, since I’m nearing the week it can begin to happen. I have been starting to check my blood pressure more often and getting a log going to bring to my doctor’s office. Without fail my blood pressure is always a little higher there, but still within normal levels.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 20
This week felt like a big milestone–HALFWAY! And hopefully a true halfway because I make it to term. I am anxiously waiting for the anatomy ultrasound. My doctor wanted me to have this ultrasound at 21 weeks instead of 20 to give the baby a little more time to grow and get a better chance at getting all the photos done in one visit.
By the time I have my appointment, it’ll be nearly 5 weeks between appointments. Which is the longest I have gone so far. Every night I lay in bed and try to feel movements for reassurance. For whatever reason, I don’t feel movements as often or as noticeably as I did with my daughter. With her, I felt her a little before 16 weeks and kept feeling it. I had a posterior placenta with her so I felt everything all the time, especially near the end.
Sleeping is getting a little more uncomfortable and this week I bought a better pregnancy pillow. Which has been pretty life-changing. I found a way to position my pillows and the pregnancy pillow to sleep well.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 21
I felt a lot of anxiety going into the anatomy ultrasound. Nothing was pointing to anything wrong and I was feeling some movements. But I was nervous about what could show up.
Steven and my daughter were at the appointment with me. We enjoy being able to take her with us because it gives her an opportunity to see the baby. And we hope it’s also a way to try to conceptualize the upcoming addition to the family. It’s always so amazing to me to see the growth of the baby between ultrasounds.
Baby sis was moving around constantly which made it a little difficult for the tech to get all the measurements she needed. But it also meant we got to watch for a while. She ended up being in the 30% for weight with her head at the 5%.
I met with my doctor immediately after the ultrasound and it was a great visit. I really do love him and he is so kind and gentle. He wanted to schedule another growth ultrasound in 4 weeks (at my next visit) so just keep an eye on her growth, because my daughter was IUGR. I really appreciate that I am being looked after so well. It makes me feel comforted and that IF something were to go wrong, it would be caught.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 22
I started to feel more movements this week, which is always so reassuring. I think it helped to watch her kick and move around on the ultrasound and be able to make the connection of the movement I was feeling was really her.
I had a scare this week and had some bright red blood after wiping in the bathroom. I freaked, which of course when it happened I was alone with my daughter. Which scared her, especially when I frantically asked her to grab my phone for me. I called the nurses line and it was determined it was a hemorrhoid but I needed to take it easy the rest of the day and call if I felt any contractions or had another episode of blood.
I was pretty freaked the rest of the day and the following few weeks. My emotions were a horrible rollercoaster ride.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 23
Almost every day, my daughter asks, “How big is the baby today?” I think it is pretty sweet she is excited about a baby sister–at least the idea of a baby sister. I love all the different pregnancy apps that help conceptualize the size of the baby. Like a Barbie doll, an eggplant, etc.
Slowly, but surely, my bump is getting bigger. I have publicly shared about my pregnancy, but not to the other moms at preschool pick-up. Now that weather is nicer, I have begun to carefully choose the shirts I wear to pick up. Shirts that are very loose and don’t show my bump unless I put my hands around them. It seems maybe a little odd, but I just didn’t want to have the conversation with them. Especially since I likely won’t see most of them again since preschool ends in another week.
Sometimes I feel odd when others immediately go, “Oh this is your second?” because they see me, with a bump and a preschooler. I find myself saying yes, just to avoid explaining. Most though tend to ask me if it’s a boy or girl and once I reply a girl, they gush and say, “Oh sisters are just so precious.”
Which does warm my heart. But I also can’t help but wonder who the baby I lost was. Was it a girl? A boy? Who would they have been? I have a feeling it was a boy, but I won’t ever know for sure.
I love the relationship I have with my little sister, even though we are years and life experiences apart. And I am excited to watch my girls have a sister relationship and hope I can cultivate one that they will maybe someday be best friends.
I know this doesn’t always happen in families because personalities can clash and sometimes the way they were raised prevents this. But, they just have each other. So I will try my best to cultivate healthy sibling relationships with my girls. It’s important to both of us as parents to do that as well. We both want to be a family that genuinely likes to be around each other. I think so far we are doing a pretty dang good job. I LOVE being with my daughter. Sure, sometimes I need a break (who doesn’t?) but overall being a parent is the absolute greatest.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 23
This week is the week I really began to “feel pregnant” and definitely feel the physical toll of it being a subsequent pregnancy and also my second pregnancy in less than a year. Takes me longer to get up from the couch, rolling over in bed, I feel more tired and big. Exercising is a little more difficult since I get more pain where my surgery scars are and round ligament pain. I still enjoy doing it because it has become a hobby of mine. And more often than not my walking is taking my daughter on a bike ride around our neighborhood.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 24
At the end of this week I started feeling a lot more anxiety about baby sis. Was she growing? Am I going to be able to take her home? Movements reassure me that she is alright. I also keep telling myself that unless someone tells me otherwise, she is alive, she is okay and she is going to come home.
With it being hot now outside, I have noticed more swelling if I’m out for several hours and walking around. At first, it really worried me because I know swelling is one of the symptoms of preeclampsia and I am on high alert for that. I have begun to make sure I wear my compression socks reguarly. I wear often outside of pregnany because I have blood clotting issues, but when weather gets nice I slack off on wearing them.
I’m been checking my BP a little more often and logging it to keep track. Without fail my BP is always higher in office than it is at home. That way both me and my doctor know my “true” numbers.
Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Week 25
At the beginning of this week I had my growth ultrasound and routine appointment. I was pretty nervous going into the ultrasound, but excited to see her. Luckily, it went well. She has stayed at 30% in size but her head rose to 10% from the 5%. So great news! They decided to put off another growth check for 2 more appointments.
I met with a midwife today instead of my typical doctor. Which was fine, but it was the first time I have seen this midwife. Especially since things went well and the only questions I had were my pain with exercise it was fairly quick. I got a script to go take my glucose test sometime before my 28 week appointment.
One of the last real, concrete and clear memories I have of my pregnacy with my daughter was drinking the glutose drink, going to my appointment, giving the blood and being called shortly later that day I passed it. I remember getting Taco Bell to celebrate before visiting a friend.
I’m not looking forward to the drink, just because I don’t want to do it. A little nervous I might have gestational diabetes this go around and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did. It’s just something I don’t want to have to think about.
How I am Currently Feeling about Pregnancy After Ectopic Pregnancy Loss
I am 25 weeks and 4 days currently. And I feel good overall. Physically, I am just tired (who isn’t pregnant?). I also just feel more of the aches and pains of a growing belly. I can definitely feel that my core strength was not up to where it normally would be before getting pregnant. Emotionally, I feel secure and that I will be able to bring her home. The fear of developing preeclampsia or our baby girl becoming IUGR isn’t gone, but it isn’t debilitating. I am trying to actively choose to be in the present moment and hope for the best.
I keep track of my blood pressure at home and I know my doctor is watching me closely. I take baby aspirin and my prenatal vitamins. I know the signs and symptoms better now so IF something were to happen, I can take action. Of course, I am hoping for a better birthing experience and it would be devastating if I don’t get that. But I know I am doing everything in my control to give me a better experience. Everything else is out of my control.
I have been talking to doulas on and off since the beginning of the pregnancy. I have decided that I will not hire one. I will be having another c-section, so it seems there really isn’t a whole lot a doula can do for me besides emotional support and initial postpartum. Using those funds to see my therapist again is more of a priority for me. I am currently not in therapy, but I orginally planned to jump back in during the second trimester. But I am surprisingly feeling like I am coping pretty well. I feel like all the work I did really “paid off” and helped me be at a good mental/emotional state before getting pregnant again.
I have gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where I am able to use all the tools and techniques I learned to manage the anxiety I feel. And I know how to get extra support if I need it. I communicate with my doctor during my appointments about the anxiety I feel, so it isn’t a secret. I feel overall, pretty good. I’m not embrassed to “be that patient” that calls over what others would deem to be silly things. A lot of that I think comes with the knowledge of a previous pregnancy and the experience to know I need to be my own advocate.
Pregnancy after Ectopic Pregnancy Loss FAQs:
- I had surgery and my tube was removed
- I also had a large cyst in my ovary at the same time that was drained out during the surgery
- I had a D&C at the same time
- I never took methotrexate to manage the ectopic pregnancy
- I do not qualify for a VBAC due to my medical and pregnancy history
- I have been on baby aspirin ever since I was TTC due to my history of blood clots and preeclampsia
If you would like to stay up to date with me, join my community on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest, and subscribe to my email list.
Pingback: Pregnancy after Ectopic Pregnancy Loss: Scary Weeks 26-28