This is Birth Trauma

Today, I want to share my thoughts about birth trauma. I know I haven’t published a blog post for a few weeks. The past few weeks have been so busy for me. Not only did I buy a home and move into it, but I have also been working on a secret project. I’ll talk more about that later.

Earlier this week, I shared this quote on Instagram:

“Healing from a traumatic birth doesn’t have a finish line. I will carry my trauma with me for the rest of my life. Over time it just becomes easier to carry.”

And it really resonated with people. It has been my most liked and most shared post ever. Both on Instagram and Facebook.

I thought of this quote that morning before I posted it. In the middle of the night, I woke up startled by a nightmare. I haven’t had a nightmare in a long time, so it really scared me. It was an awful nightmare of me being wheeled into the OR for the emergency c-section. Every scene played out in front of me like I was actually in the OR, being strapped down and cut open. I felt every emotion all over again. The terror of not knowing if I or my baby were going to make it out alive. The fear in my husband’s eyes watching his wife being wheeled away from him.

It was awful.

My first thought when I woke up was, “Will this ever end? Will I always have these nightmares?”

I’m really not sure the answer to that. But I do know that the last nightmare I had was 4-5 months ago. So I must be healing somewhat.

I will carry the trauma of experiencing preeclampsia, premature birth, and a NICU stay for the rest of my life. 18 months later, I still get triggered. I find it very hard because a handful of people really understand birth trauma. Others can’t wrap their mind around the fact that some women can have birth trauma and the birth of their baby is one of the worst days of their life.

The worst day of my life definitely was the day Cora was born.

And it seems really selfish or awful to say unless you’ve been there. I don’t regret Cora or the fact I became a mom. I just hate the fact of how it happened. Unless you’ve been wheeled into an OR for emergency surgery because you and your baby are dying. Unless you watched your husband with fear in his eyes and pacing the hospital room back and forth shaking because he isn’t sure if his wife will survive the next few hours, you don’t get to judge the fact I have birth trauma.

If you haven’t been hooked up to medications and oxygen with nurses coming in and out checking both your and your baby’s vitals, you don’t get to say that I am overreacting.

Leading up to her first birthday this year was really hard because of my birth trauma. I was doing a lot of internal work so her birthday was- HER DAY– not the day I mourned and cried about. Once her birthday came around, I was feeling great. I was so excited to celebrate her and everything she conquered. Once that day passed, the days that followed were hard.

“This day last year, my eyes swelled so big I couldn’t see.”

“This day last year, I had an EKG.”

“I was released from the hospital this day last year, leaving my baby behind”.

The ability to look back and see how much I accomplished was nonexistent. I saw it as, “I wish that didn’t happen.” I couldn’t see in myself all that I have accomplished.

Last night, Steven and I were talking about future children.

This isn’t an uncommon conversation we have. We talk about it casually at least every few days because we really don’t want Cora to be an only child. No plan is in place, but we discuss how there is no way that we could both go through what we went through again. Sadly, the odds aren’t in our favor.

I am currently working with my doctor (click here to read my health update) to get my body in the best possible place it can be to give myself the best chance. We talk about if we could make it through more miscarriages because I also don’t have great odds for that since I had 3 before Cora.

In short, my body hates pregnancy.

I know pregnancy isn’t the only way to have children. But it really pisses me off that pregnancy is so awful for me. It really makes me mad that the thought of ever being pregnant again makes me sick. I am so jealous of women who have never experienced losses. I am so jealous of those women who don’t develop preeclampsia and carry babies to term. It just isn’t fair.

That mindset is hard to change when you have birth trauma. Trauma doesn’t come and go when it pleases. It is constantly with me. Even the simplest things can trigger it. It really hurts that the worst day of my life was the day my daughter entered the world. It hurts that she spent the first 27 hours of her life not even knowing if I existed. The first person to hold her wasn’t me or her dad. A nurse was her primary caregiver for the first 15 days of her life. And that really sucks.

Cora doesn’t even remember a time when I wasn’t around. She doesn’t remember when I wasn’t there to snuggle her close when she was sad. But I do. I remember all the nights leaving her behind inside the hospital while I walked out empty-handed. I remember the emotions like it was yesterday.

And that’s my birth trauma. It isn’t just the day she let my body. It is the days leading after. It’s the feeling of needing permission to see your baby. It’s needing a nurse to help you shower. It is watching your doctor be puzzled about why your pressures aren’t lowering. The feeling of knowing your body is really sick and no one can help you. That is my birth trauma.

That is my birth trauma.

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If you are a preeclampsia survivor or HELLP syndrome survivor and would like to share your story, please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com. I would love to share your birth trauma story and keep spreading awareness. I am trying to gather as many preeclampsia survivors’ birth stories as possible to spread awareness.

If you are a preemie mom, I would also love to share your story. Please contact me through email at courtney@knockonmotherhood.com.

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