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Keeping the Spark Alive In Marriage After Baby
Marriage after baby can be tricky to navigate. It is normal for your relationship with your husband to be put on the back burner for a time while you both are figuring out your new normal. But, it is important that your marriage isn’t set aside for too long. Marriage is the most important relationship in your life.
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When my daughter was first born, we were thrown into a loop and for the first month of her life was focused on her in the NICU and what life was outside of the NICU. My hormones were all over the place, and my own personal struggles with anxiety and depression. A lot of these feelings manifested in lashing out.
I hated how my relationship in your marriage after baby changed.
We no longer could go out to eat on a whim or go on a weekend trip.
Everything had to be planned in advance. The diaper bag needed to be packed before we could leave. Everything had to be planned in advance. The diaper bag needed to be packed before we could leave. I had to figure out how many diapers I should bring, how much formula I needed, and where I was going to get warm water for the formula. Nap schedules had to be followed, or it wouldn’t be an enjoyable time for anyone involved. It wasn’t any fun and it was really overwhelming for me to have to plan out everything.
My husband, Steven, and I’s favorite thing to do together was to watch TV or play Nintendo Switch. We couldn’t do that anymore because our TV was in our room, which was where our daughter slept. So instead of spending time together watching one of our favorite shows, we sat on our couch and played on our phones. Steven was also in his last semester of college and was working full time so he had very limited free time.
Life was tough in marriage after baby for us. We were both stressed and exhausted to the max. Our finances were suddenly extremely tight from me having to quit my job and expenses from being in the hospital for so long. The last thing we wanted to do was plan a date night. We were thrown in a tornado of experiences and emotions with no time to prepare. I struggled with my new life.
I would express this to Steven over and over again, which in turn made him depressed. We craved the ability to go out and do the fun things we did before. The new responsibility was hard for us. Even though we spent nearly a year preparing for this new phase of our life in every accept, we failed to prepare for marriage after baby.
If I could go back this is what I would change to better prepare our marriage after baby:
- Make Pre-planned Date Nights
You think that date night will stay a priority, but it becomes the last thing on your mind pretty quickly. Steven and I didn’t have our first planned date night until our baby was 5 months old. In our case, a lot of this was due to my health postpartum. Something I wish I did was while I was still pregnant was to schedule date nights and arrange a babysitter (if needed).
It is important to have a night once a week because it is time for both you and your husband to reconnect and spend quality time together not talking about or caring for a baby. Remember how fun and important dating was before marriage? It should be just as important during marriage and during the marriage after baby.
- Write love letters often
I’m a sucker for notes. Steven wrote some to me often while we were dating, which says a lot because he hates to write. I would always write back. I have saved them all and it is fun to look back on. Once our baby was born, the notes came to halt. A lot of it was because we just got so busy and focused on navigating our new life. Your husband is the most important person in your life and he should know that. Writing love letters is a way to express that to him. My husband did so much for me and was my biggest support system and I wish I expressed that more in little notes.
- Make a sincere effort express physical affection more often
A way to become closer to your husband is to be physical. I’m not talking about just sex. Hand holding, kissing, hugging are all ways to be intimate. Intimacy grows a couple closer together. As soon as you are cleared by your doctor and ready for it, sex is a way for you and your husband to reconnect. It can be hard because your body has changed so much and you don’t feel as sexy as you did before. For me, I really struggled with my self-image after pregnancy and birth because my body changed so much. But flirting with my husband, pinching each other’s butts, and kissing helped me feel more comfortable in marriage after baby.
What I am glad we did:
- Communication
I like to talk a lot to people I like and since I like my husband a lot, I talk his ear off. I would talk about all my thoughts and feelings and he would do the same. We would cry together, laugh together and be silly together. We made sure and talked about our needs and desires for our new life with our own family. Your husband should be your best friend and the one that you can go to for anything. Being able to be effective communicators with each other allows you to keep your friendship alive in marriage after baby.
- Compliment & Appreciate Each Other
You both are exhausted and not feeling your best. It is important to compliment each other on looks and personality traits. Compliments can always make you feel better and build up your self-esteem. We always thanked each other for washing a bottle or throwing away a diaper. It is important to appreciate your husband for all that he does to help you out. Everyone likes to feel appreciated for what they do.
- Serve Each Other
The chore my husband hates the most is washing out the bottles and doing the dishes. I wash the bottles for him and do the dishes without expecting anything in return. I know he is always appreciative when I do this chore for him and it helped me love him more. There is something about serving others that makes you love them more.
Marriage after baby doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage. Your relationship is something that needs to be worked on. It is precious and it requires time and effort. When you make that time and effort in your marriage, you will be able to keep that spark alive.
These are great advices. I have 2 NICU babies and it’s especially hard to keep those sparks alive during those stressful times. It takes efforts to have a stronge relationship with the significant other.
So true!
You’re so right. It takes a lot of effort especially when you have experience something traumatic like the NICU!
All of this! Yes! I have one baby, it can be really hard to find time to prioritize the marriage stuff, these are great tips!
So true! Telling your partner that you notice their efforts and appreciate them can go so far to building a better bond as a team when a new baby enters the picture. If you are friendly in the kitchen you can be more friendly later on!
So true! And it’s always makes you feel good when you’re appreciated